Hey, all:

The past week has been the strangest (not the worst, but the strangest) since TJ died. And that's saying something. All news has been incredibly wonderful or massively stressful with nothing in between.

I'm signing off for the next week and will only be returning exigent personal and professional emails.

In the meantime, if you want, you can read my newest piece for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog, this one an interview with Summer Robinson, the thoroughly engaging owner of Pilot Books, Seattle's only bookstore to exclusively carry independent titles:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/pilot-books-successfully-champions-independent-publishers-authors

XO and the good stuff,
Litsa

Idea for super-cheap reality show:

"Tea Party Spelling Bee".

No prize money awarded ever.

I don't know which are worse...

...the dreams in which he's alive or the ones in which he's dead.

This is hell.

Stalin didn't tolerate a lot of megaphones, dumbfucks:

Hey, Tea Party protesters who met in Iowa City yesterday outside of where President Obama was speaking to scream that he is "a communist" and that the U.S. is now a totalitarian nation, you realize, don't you, that if this were true, you'd be in the gulag right now?

Tea Party-ers are well within their rights to protest, of course, but their inability to grasp facts or recall history would be laughable if it weren't so potentially dangerous.

WaPo's feature on a day through the eyes of Tea Party-er, Randy Millam, 52, illustrates this point. Telling quote from Millam, "I'm not ready for outright violence yet. We have to be civil as long as we can."

"Iowa man joins protest against Obama and health-care reform":

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/25/AR2010032503849.html

Is he sorry? Or sorry he got caught?

Chris Reichert, 40, is one of the Tea Party-ers who, in protesting health care reform in front of Representative Mary Jo Killory's district office this past weekend, berated a former nuclear physicist sitting near the crowd with a sign proclaiming he has Parkinson's Disease. Reichert proceeded to hurl dollar bills at the physicist and screamed in the man's face.

Now, in an interview with The Columbus Dispatch, Reichert apologizes profusely. And indeed, he sounds genuinely contrite. But is it because he has re-evaluated his deplorable actions? Or is it because they were captured on video, have spread throughout the web, and were entered into the Congressional Record by Representative Killroy?

Does a 40 year-old man really disavow his purportedly deeply held beliefs in the period of a few days?

More:

http://www.dispatch.com/live/content/local_news/stories/2010/03/24/dollar-bill-throw.html?sid=101

This was never intended as a Woodward and Bernstein-type...

...report. It's not as if I set out to blow the lid off the fact sun is nice. (Nor is the headline my original one.)

Still, it contains a dollop of joy and one of my favorite photos I've taken, that of a Black Lab splashing in Cal Anderson Park's fountain. And as today it's 15 degrees cooler and mordantly gray, it's useful to be reminded the clouds do part, literally and metaphorically.

My newest piece for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/its-whole-different-world-sun

Unfettered hoorays!

I found out yesterday one of my friends won the Central Park of writing awards (Central Park being enormous and awesome) and discovered today one of my closest friends has been nominated for the Washington Square Park of writing awards (slightly less enormous; equally awesome).

Goddamn, it's nice when the world gets it right.

A stellar example of why Andy Borowitz remains one of my favorite scribes:

"Poll: Majority Favor Earlier Bedtime for McCain:

WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) - In the wake of several cranky public utterances by Arizona's senior senator in recent days, a new poll shows that a majority of Americans favor an earlier bedtime for John McCain."

More:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/andy-borowitz/poll-majority-favor-earli_b_512309.html

Important:

As a result of my pointing out illegalities re the disabled and federal law within my building, a neighbor is harassing me and calling my editors and making false and defamatory statements about me.

All three editors, because they know me, respect the quality of my work, and like me, have called to let me know of her illegal behavior and have been hugely sympathetic.

If she contacts you, please let me know immediately.

Thank you.

And now, I have just read what is perhaps my favorite headline...

...of my life so far: "Obama Will Sign Health Care Bill Within Two Days".

Congrats to all who have worked so hard to bring this to fruition. Of course, I'm including the huge swath of individuals I know--myself included--who continually called and emailed their elected representatives this past year.

Much, much work remains, of course. But still, what a hell of a start.

So far, no elected Republican has denounced the extreme and appalling...

...behavior of certain Tea Party members who hurled the n-word at members of the Congressional Black Caucus and gay slurs at Representative Barney Frank yesterday in D.C. Which is pathetic morally. And moderate Republicans don't think and act like this.

Are they going to stand idly by while their party is hijacked by lunatics?

More:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/03/20/AR2010032002556.html?hpid=topnews

Self-publishing author succeeds on own unusual terms:

My newest piece for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog went up yesterday:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/self-publishing-author-succeeds-own-unusual-terms

Kind of amusing...

...I'm on two deadlines today while the temperature is approaching 70 for the first time this year.

Still, vastly better than the alternative in either case.

I'm cautiously optimistic as the House heads into...

...its health care vote on Sunday, but even in writing that sentence, my stomach lurched eight or nine more times.

I keep thinking one day our nation will look back and find it inconceivable that a president, a large swath of Congress, and most citizens had to engage in such a protracted and bitter fight to convince the remainder that universal health care is imperative morally and financially. I don't mind, of course, that it's been difficult--sweeping reform shouldn't be enacted lightly or without meticulous attention to detail--and reasonable individuals, obviously, can reach differing conclusions. But from the false accusations of "death panels" to those that reform is a cloak for "slavery reparations", there has been a level of surrealism to the past year's debate that would be comical if it weren't, in fact, real.

History is on our side. Let's hope the vote is, too.

Alex Chilton R.I.P.

I discovered Big Star via the myriad of R.E.M. interviews I started reading back in 1983, in which both Michael Stipe and Peter Buck would tout Alex Chilton as a huge influence. And those two, for being in the same band, could almost always be counted on to cite musicians on opposite ends of the spectrum. So their collective praise sparked my interest and it grew from there.

Some people should be alive and some should be dead and Chilton belongs with the former. I just found out via a pal that Memphis Congressman Steve Cohen (D) honored Chilton on the House floor today and at first I was skeptical that it was mere political theater. Then I watched Cohen's tribute to his friend and found it comprehensive and moving and sincere:

http://www.c-spanarchives.org/program/ID/221212&start=1596&end=1715

Kind thoughts to Chilton's loved ones.

Burritos: a recession-proof investment?

My newest piece for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog is up:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/burritos-recession-proof-investment

Adults who tout getting drunk on St. Patrick's Day...

...are missing the point of adulthood: you don't need an excuse.

Next they're going to brag about eating pizza for breakfast and staying up waaaay past bedtime.

Apocalypse (almost) now:

My fourth piece for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog went up yesterday:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/apocalypse-almost-now

If you can get through this without at least cracking a smile...

...chug that gallon of weed killer because you're already dead.

From BlackBook, "Flight Attendants Decline Passenger Scrotum Exam":

http://www.blackbookmag.com/article/canadian-flight-attendants-show-profession-still-has-dignity-refuse-to-atte/16939

More evidence John Edwards' dick has spectacularly bad judgment:

Rielle Hunter's hypocrisy, neediness, self-centered kind of New Ageism, and ultimately, self-loathing remind me of someone I was friends with years ago: after I'd helped her through a series of protracted medical tests (bringing her dinner, listening for hours on the phone, dropping off videos, et al), she didn't come visit me after a complicated surgery because she had just started seeing a new guy but said, "I sent you healing thoughts while doing yoga." I ended the friendship shortly thereafter and several others who viewed this as the final straw also told her to fuck off.

Too bad John Edwards lacks the same sort of bullshit detector:

http://thecaucus.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/03/15/the-mistress-of-john-edwards-speaks/?hp

R.I.P. Slats and kind thoughts to his loved ones in their time of grief:

My third piece for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog went up yesterday:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/slats-longtime-seattle-musician-and-capitol-hill-denizen-has-died

Obits of this sort break your heart. And I feel fortunate my editor let me run it the way I chose, without bothering his loved ones in their agony.

My second installment for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog went up...

...yesterday:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/captiol-hills-whimsy-full-bloom

It's probably the easiest assignment I've had, but fun nonetheless and I like my editor a lot. And while my health stays in remission, I've been sending out longer pieces to larger venues again. So this is a tasty side-dish while I continue to whip up entrees.

For her loved ones' sake...

...I'm glad her body was found:

http://www.komonews.com/news/local/87615727.html

But still. Everything about this is haunting and sad.

Thinking of her friends and family.

I write and take pics for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog now:

My first piece for the Capitol Hill blog on komonews.com is up now:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/dusk-taskent-park-boylston-ave-east

So part of what I do here and on Facebook, I now do for KOMO 4's site. I'm about to turn in my second post and am enjoying myself so far. (Very friendly editor helps.)

Feel free to send me Capitol Hill info that might be relevant.

Haiti, two months later:

I've known since he died five months ago that I've been incredibly fortunate to be surrounded by ceaselessly, unfailingly kind family and friends and that, also, I'm grieving in a part of the world in which I have access to ample food, clean water, a safe home and freedom of speech. (A large swath of my family lived under Nazi occupation; when my father's mother died when he was six, he had no grief counseling because, indeed, he had no food or shelter.)

So I keep returning to Haiti again and again. Like everyone I know who is in a position to donate to relief efforts, I've done so repeatedly. But I keep thinking of the 1.2 million displaced individuals who are grieving multiple loved ones without privacy or even basic sanitation.

Liesl Gernholtz of Human Rights Watch writes for the Daily Beast on the particular horrors in the quake's aftermath endemic to women, many of whom of have been raped in the resulting breakdown of any infrastructure:

http://www.thedailybeast.com/blogs-and-stories/2010-03-09/haitis-rape-crisis/

Ian Urbina writes for the New York Times on the particular hardships of Haiti's elderly, who survived both Duvalier regimes and Haiti's continuing AIDS crisis only to face the quake's nearly unfathomable devastation at the end of their lives:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/12/world/americas/12elderly.html?hp

Ah, the majesty of nature:

Tragically and horrifically, she is now the sixth climber or hiker to die in the Pacific Northwest since TJ died 22 weeks ago:

http://www.kptv.com/news/22803873/detail.html

Long story; inside joke:

Neal and Jack.

Thank you, internet...

...for introducing me in one week to two opinions so earth-shatteringly stupid that their proponents should be flogged then sterilized: 1) Kathryn Bigelow had an Oscar in each hand, "but no one to hug." 2) The Who "aren't in the pantheon with the Beatles and the Stones."

I have to live in a world wherein TJ is dead but these cocksuckers draw breath? Holy fucking jesus goddammed christ.

Hand-off!:

I'm on deadline. Read Eric's wickedly funny Vanity Fair breakdown of last night's Steve Martin/Alec Baldwin pairing:

http://www.vanityfair.com/online/oscars/2010/03/steve-martin-vs-alec-baldwin.html

This is the first year since 1992...

...he and I won't be betting on the Oscars and it's one more thing that feels horribly awry.

Still it's easy for me to choose my favorite films of 2009: the myriad we saw together while he was alive.

Greetings and salutations:

Like most sites on the web, The Slippery Fish has Sitemeter software installed and has had so for several years. I've always kept the Sitemeter logo displayed on the bottom left (scroll all the way down) instead of electing to hide it, as is the more standard practice, because it's fair to let readers know I can see their IP number, ISP, city, state, country, page hits, searches that preceded their arrival here, searches they conduct once they are here, whether they email an entry and if so which one, the entries they click on, the duration of each page view, the duration of their entire stay, if they have the site bookmarked or search for it individually several times a day, etc. As I said, nearly every web site features Sitemeter or equivalent software. This is common knowledge in 2010.

As with everything I write for public consumption, it is, in fact, for public consumption. I don't reveal secrets here, i.e. while much of the content is personal, none of it is private. So for the tiny but persistent band who still routinely searches for any shred about him here, and in some cases repeats this action daily, by all means, continue. I won't reveal your names. But keep in mind I'm not searching the web (or anywhere else) for information about him.

Because I don't have to.

Okay, this is a tough one, but we're at the 72 hour mark now:

One of my closest friends was in France when the massive storm, Xynthia, hit three days ago and none of us have heard back from him yet. Much of France is still without power so we're hoping this or something equally benign is the tripwire.

Still, the good thoughts would be appreciated.

[Postscript 2:15 p.m. My friend is fine. He wasn't checking email so he never got his brother's messages. Also, he didn't realize the extent of damage to the country and that President Sarkozy has declared a state of emergency in France. I.e. my friend had no idea there was reason for a number of us to be worried.]

Thanks to all involved! Also, high five, Canoe Club. And yet:

Felt bisected last night: really enjoyed telling another story as part of the A Guide to Visitors salon and, as always, loved working with the AGTV producers; spent time w/ excellent friends in attendance; was tickled by the capacity crowd; found everyone on the bill compelling; and am groovin' on the new(ish) Canoe Club venue. Overwhelmingly wish my story had been about anything else, though. But what other story is important now?

More on the Canoe Club:

http://canoesocialclub.com/

I've had rabbits for twelve years...

...and can attest, as can anyone who has lived with them, that they are highly intelligent and social companion animals. It's one thing to eat them out of exigency, another matter entirely to ingest them by choice. The New York Times feature briefly touches on this issue, but largely avoids it:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/03/03/dining/03rabbit.html

Eating rabbit is akin to eating cat or dog.

Ten hours in and...

...so far, March seems scripted by Edgar Allan Poe after a large pot of coffee.

Some days, all you can do is breathe and keep writing.

A Guide to Visitors, 8 p.m. Tuesday March 2nd at the Canoe Club:

Pleased to announce that a month ago, I had another piece accepted to A Guide to Visitors, the story-telling salon. The evening's theme this round? "Seattle Stories".

Details:

http://agtv.org/calendar.html

More on A Guide to Visitors (for the uninitiated, no, it has nothing to do with tourism, guiding or visitors):

http://agtv.org/press.html

Striking, saddening reports and video from the devastation in Chile:

One of the more evocative and comprehensive pieces I've read so far. Scroll down for video embedded on the lower left side:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/02/28/world/americas/28chile.html?hp

As if I haven't encountered enough hyprocrisy from skull-dented, Bible-thumping lunatics in recent months:

Yesterday a woman called me from a listed Seattle number, relayed the name of her Bible group and asked, "We're in your neighborhood and with everything going on in the world today, I wondered if I could read you some Scripture passages?"

It's axiomatic that extremists in all belief and/or philosophical systems fuck things up for everybody. Still can't decide whether or not to post the group's number, though.

Yippee! More good news re the Smith Mag book:

Smith Magazine's newest book, It All Changed in an Instant: More Six Word Memoirs (HarperCollins) in which, as previously noted, I am included alongside some of my very favorite writers, is featured on Huffington Post today:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/02/26/six-word-memoirs-james-fr_n_466011.html

I'm watching the bipartisan health care summit at Blair House...

...and among other inanities, I don't understand how Senator Kyl (R-Arizona) has deduced that President Obama's health care plan is a "job killer". Besides the pesky fact it's inaccurate, Kyl's pronouncement is designed to terrify the very populace, the middle class and the lower income, the bill helps the most.

A year into the president's first term, ninety-nine percent of Republicans have made it abundantly clear they are going to declare him a big-government favoring, tax-increasing socialist regardless of what he actually favors. He could provide each American home with free gas for a year and the G.O.P. would still maintain the president hates the nation's cars.

Enough already. Reconciliation it is.

Though I'll be avoiding them henceforth, natch:

You know how with certain individuals it's impossible not to conclude that in lieu of gray matter their brain pan is stuffed with layer upon layer of dead flies?

I had the pleasure of interacting with two such specimens yesterday and I'd like to take this time to thank them for providing future material.

In case there weren't enough reasons to think RNC chairman, Michael Steele, is a complete tool:

Excerpt from today's Politico.com feature:

"Republican National Chairman Michael Steele is spending twice as much as his recent predecessors on private planes and paying more for limousines, catering and flowers – expenses that are infuriating the party's major donors who say Republicans need every penny they can get for the fight to win back Congress.

Most recently, donors grumbled when Steele hired renowned chef Wolfgang Puck's local crew to cater the RNC's Christmas party inside the trendy Newseum on Pennsylvania Avenue, and then moved its annual winter meeting from Washington to Hawaii.

For some major GOP donors, both decisions were symbolic of the kind of wasteful spending habits they claim has become endemic to his tenure at the RNC. When Ken Mehlman served as the committee chairman during the critical 2006 midterm elections, the holiday party was held in a headquarters conference room and Chic-fil-A was the caterer.

A POLITICO analysis of expenses found that compared with 2005, the last comparable year preceding a midterm election, the committee’s payments for charter flights doubled; the number of sedan contractors tripled, and meal expenses jumped from $306,000 to $599,000."

More:

http://www.politico.com/news/stories/0210/33324.html

My newest (very) short story, 'Jess' Expiration Date' is...

...at Six Sentences now:

http://sixsentences.blogspot.com/2010/02/jesss-expiration-date.html

Part of a larger, forthcoming work.

And not just "fun under the circumstances", but actually fun:

Holy fucking hell! Thank you, everybody, for a birthday party last night that was more fun than sunshine and puppies and spaghetti combined! Here's to a glorious year for all!

With the love and the hugs and the loving hugs,
Litz

Along with the jammies corollary:

Looking forward to tonight, which will be the largest, though not the last of the birthday gatherings.

I must be presentable, cogent and witty in a few hours, however, but once again, I've barely slept. And I'm afraid if I close my eyes now, I'll zone through the festivities, which would be poor form. Though I'm unsure how I'll be presentable, cogent and witty unless I get some sleep.

Great thing about my friends and family and among the reasons I love them so? Everyone is fully cognizant of the circumstances this year and if I arrived with a pillow in tow, their feelings for me wouldn't change.

Hope not, anyway. Because we might be testing that theory in a bit.

Um, Seattle?

While it has been delightfully sunny these past three days and all of us welcome the return of chirping birds, might we stipulate the pervasive tank tops and sandals are a wee premature?

It is a mere 50 degrees Fahrenheit, not even "warm" unless one has been bred from penguins.

A fine salute to a fine man and writer:

Roger Ebert has always been one of my favorite film critics because of his vast knowledge, deft wit and sense of fair play.

Incredibly sorry he's enduring cancer, much less such a pernicious form. I know he wouldn't want my pity, but he'll always have my respect:

http://www.esquire.com/features/roger-ebert-0310

Link via my dear friend, Jade Walker.

Condolences:

I think all of us following this story knew its probable outcome, but still, one can't help but hope for a statistical improbability. I'm unsure why KING 5 hasn't updated its URL, but the following piece, headlined, "Climber's body recovered from Mount St. Helen's crater" contains the latest information as of last night:

http://www.king5.com/news/local/Rescue-effort-to-resume-for-fallen-Mount-St-Helens-climber-84471252.html

Thinking of Joseph Bohlig's loved ones.

Two awful things and one pleasant one:

1) The latest news, updated at 2:00 p.m. today, re the stranded climber on Mount St. Helens:

http://www.king5.com/news/local/Rescue-effort-to-resume-for-fallen-Mount-St-Helens-climber-84471252.html

Continued good wishes to him and to his loved ones, who are enduring an indescribably hellish wait.

2) Residents of Seattle's Capitol Hill neighborhood, heads up. Now I know why there was a cacophony of sirens Saturday night:

http://seattletimes.nwsource.com/html/localnews/2011093483_webcaphill16m.html

http://www.capitolhillseattle.com/2010/02/16/follow-up-on-weekend-roving-gang-attacks-man-fights-back-with-busted-umbrella

http://www.capitolhillseattle.com/2010/02/15/man-stabbed-in-summit-ave-street-robbery

3) Received additional good writing news today. Not that this is on par with the suffering endured by those in the above pieces. It just makes life in my home a bit brighter.

Oh, hell:

I had a lovely afternoon with two friends today, replete with mochas, and also received some delectable writing news. I've been up since 4:30 a.m., however--thank you, grief, my constant companion--and was hoping to conk out soon.

I read the following piece two hours ago, though, and now everything is churning again. Including TJ, this makes the fifth climber from our region in the past 19 weeks. Hopefully he returns safely. Please keep him and his loved ones in your thoughts and/or prayers:

http://www.king5.com/news/local/Climber-falls-into-Mount-St-Helens-crater-84414752.html

Much better:

Yesterday, despite all the revelry I could muster, October 6 through October 10 kept involuntarily and continually playing on my mind's screen.

Today, while I'm not exactly clicking my heels, it is, in fact, February again.

I'm about a quarter of my way through sending individual "Thank you!" missives, but my deepest gratitude to all of you on three continents for everything this week.

Okay. Matinee time.

Thank you, everybody!

I'm getting ready to head out soon for the second of what will be four birthday celebrations--today is the actual day--and I deeply appreciate all so many of you have done to help take the deep sting out of what is, this year, an uncharacteristically painful occasion.

Last year he said he wanted to make my birthday "perfect" and from start to finish, he did. And each year he called at 12:01 a.m. to be the first to wish me "Happy birthday!"

So for many reasons, since I've awoken, his death has outweighed the impact of my birth.

Thank you again, each of you, for everything. It means more than I can express.

And thank you, TJ, for this day last year and forevermore for each moment.

Love to all,
Litsa

Nor did I upend any tables:

Had a wonderful dinner at Quinn's last night with S, my friend of 20 years, that included much banter, long-running jokes and mashed sweet potatoes.

Also, I managed not to detonate anything. Much additional celebrating-under-the-circumstances lies ahead the next few weeks, so I take this as both a victory and a good sign.

I'm so fucking sick of those who...

...sentimentalize the North Cascades.

Yes, they are gorgeous.

But he died there.

For me, the latter will always outweigh the former.

Stay of execution!

Yesterday it looked like I was going to have to euthanize my beloved 11 and a 1/2 year-old bunny, Xander. When we got to the vet, it turned out what presented as fatal was actually treatable and by last night he was eating and leaping around again.

This is now the fourth time it's looked he was going to die but hasn't. He's the lagomorph equivalent of Superman crossed with Elizabeth Taylor.

The House Republican leaders are craven halfwits:

You'll notice at no point in their new letter do House Republican Leader John Boehner (R-OH) and House Republican Whip Eric Cantor (R-VA) mention the millions of uninsured and under-insured Americans, i.e. their fellow citizens, many of whom are their constituents. Disingenuously and, given the stakes, amorally, they refer to their latest obstructionist tactic as "bipartisanship":

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/02/top-house-republicans-throw-co.html?wprss=44

I wish it were legal by executive order for President Obama to suspend health insurance to both houses and parties in Congress until they get off their fucking asses and pass meaningful and comprehensive legislation that accords each American the basic human right not to die, get sicker, or go broke in the event of illness or injury.

Weekend recap:

• I completed my sickest weekend in several months and loathed each waking and half-slept moment of it.
• Watched two of my all-time favorites, Mrs. Parker and the Vicious Circle and The Graduate back-to-back last night. Awoke feeling somewhat improved. Would like to think it's their comprehensive brilliance or my aforementioned illness-loathing that prompted the symptoms to calm the hell down, though most likely the Amoxicillin kicked in.
• Did not watch the Superbowl (not that I'm a huge NFL fan, but still) because our annual condo board meeting was scheduled for kick-off time. No, really.
• Discovered at said meeting that some of my adored and respected neighbors not only wish to spend their finite seconds on earth fretting about the garage floor's cleanliness, but that they will implore others to do the same.
• Last night on the street below, two drunk guys got into a brawl, replete with pithy, alcohol-soaked exchanges like, "Fuck you, man!" "No, man, fuck you!" Then one of them looked up, saw me standing at my window and yelled, "I'm sorry! I just have to tell him this one more thing!" and hissed at the other guy, much more quietly, "I said, 'Fuck you!'" The city's genteel reputation? Intact.
  

Today's NFL memory:

I was the only girl on the block growing up so I became adept at playing touch football. When my brother and I were on the same team, he got to "be" Fran Tarkenton and I, Lynn Swann.

I developed early, however, and one day as Mom watched us play from the kitchen window, she noticed some of the fellas to whom I wasn't related were touching me a bit too long in certain places. So, she benched me.

Alas.

Hello, symptom flare-up:

Jesus fucking Christ I'm sick today.

Remember that scene in Postcards from the Edge where Dennis Quaid utters one of Carrie Fisher's best lines, that he feels like he "slept under an elephant's foot?"

It's like that, only without all the coked out anonymous sex that preceded it.

Though it'd be kinda cool if someone made my turkey, spinach and avocado sandwich for me right now:

Yesterday I wrote more than I have in any 24 hour period since he died.

Today I feel as if a meteor landed on me while I slept.

Back at the keyboard, though.

I've had worse nights.

Query:

At what point in the grief process does ice cream cease being an acceptable side dish w/ breakfast?

B/c we haven't reached it yet.

Hooray! Smith Magazine editors featured on NPR today:

Smith Magazine editors Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser were featured on NPR today in support of Smith Mag's new book, It All Changed in an Instant: More Six-word Memoirs (HarperCollins), as previously noted, a wry and insightful tome featuring, among others, Amy Tan, Frank McCourt, Sarah Silverman, Gloria Steinem, Andy Richter and, well, me.

Congrats again, Larry and Rachel!

The NPR feature:

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=123289019&sc=fb&cc=fp

And now, congregants, let us turn to p. 22 of David Cross' I Drink for a Reason and...

...reflect upon his passage re hippies, "Maybe tax them more. Create a 'well-meaning, but actually harmful tax' so that when they advocate drinking and bathing in your urine, they also pay into a universal health-care system to offset the damage brought on by drinking and bathing in one's own urine."

Amen.

Hey, __. This one's for you:

The 82nd annual Academy Award nominations were announced this morning:

http://carpetbagger.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/02/02/oscar-nominations/

Better than spaghetti and puppies and ice cream combined:

Via Facebook friend Jon Auer's page:

John Paul Auer is pleased to announce: 1) The Posies will play "Frosting on the Beater" in its entirety on 4/17/10 @ The Crocodile in Seattle 2) A handful of hours after said Crocodile show, freshly rocked Posies will leave Seattle for the south of Spain to begin recording a new album for release in 2010, and 3) The Posies will also play all material from said new album @ The Crocodile on 4/17/10 as well. For rizzle! Tickets go on sale online 2/6/10 @ The Crocodile.com.

Nice job, good, on continuing to exist in the world.

Linguists, synapses, take note:

We need a conjugation of "are", "were", and "will be" that applies to the collective and connotes one person is alive and one is dead.

And while I'm making requests, I would appreciate if my subconscious mind stopped prompting me to utter "when we died".

Happy birthday, Mom!

Your intelligence, compassion, empathy, tenacity and wit are awe-inspiring and I love you immeasurably!

Always,
Litz

Toss up:

Unsure which I'd prefer more right now, a haircut or general anesthesia.

Apple unveils new device for those in the deep and early stages of grief:

The iDon'tgiveafuckbutfakeiteffectively.

Spit-wads or Saran Wrap on their toilet seats acceptable substitutes:

I thought last night's State of the Union Address was erudite, pragmatic, inspiring, compassionate, self-aware, and I like that the president threw a few elbows. Could have been more satisfied only if he issued an executive order stating shin-kicking and wedgies inflicted upon Senators Lieberman and Nelson and the five Supreme Court Justices who handed down last week's deplorable campaign finance decision would be legal indefinitely.

Just read that Huffington Post...

...will provide "instant Twitter reaction" to tonight's State of the Union Address. Whew! Close one! For a second I thought I'd have to contemplate and process the president's speech all on my own like a sentient and informed adult.

I read HuffPo frequently, but if they're hellbent on coddling me, might I suggest folding my laundry or making me homemade lasagna instead.

Just doing my part (except for the elitist thing):

Skipped the NFL playoffs yesterday in favor of the Michelangelo exhibit at the Seattle Art Museum, which was surprisingly packed, then headed across the street to Fran's Chocolates, where three women discussed vegan pancake recipes at length.

The city's rep as lefty-elitist-gay-loving-bookworms? Secured for time being.

Yin, yang. Whatever:

As I knew would occur after the initial "protective" phase passed, this week I received both the most thoughtless question and most inane email since he died, from two vastly different sources, neither of whom have been through this. (Which is still no excuse: we're not kids. In each instance, the messages were deeply idiotic, almost comically so, and will undoubtedly find their way into my future work.)

On the flip side, today I received some of the kindest and most practical insight from one who has lived through this and then some. And it helped tremendously.

As I've written of here and elsewhere repeatedly, in the aggregate, I've been profoundly fortunate in that I've been surrounded by incredibly loving, ceaselessly thoughtful family, friends, and colleagues. As for the few but vocal members of the moron brigade, to crib the Ben Franklin line, death and taxes. Like it or not, dumbfucks, your turn is coming. Also, I'm fully aware this isn't my last go-round on this particular ride.

As one of my close friends and I keep reiterating, as cheesy as it sounds, what gets us through this is love and, in our cases, our art, too.

So thank you again so much to each individual who has helped tamp down the fires of this particular hell. Re the others, well, I think I've made my point.

Today's NYT follow-up piece with Dr. Nancy Klimas, who serves on the board of the International Association of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome:

Dr. Nancy Klimas, recognized internationally as one of the leading Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome researchers, answers another round of questions in today's New York Times. (She fielded different readers' questions last month.)

Dr. Klimas again does an outstanding job distilling complicated research findings into laypersons' terms while maintaining both medical objectivity and compassion. No mean feat:

http://consults.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/01/21/hiv-fibromyalgia-and-chronic-fatigue-syndrome/?ref=health

And while many of the NYT commenters are smart and/or have CFIDS themselves, as per usual w/ anything internet (or human) based, there is some startling misinformation in the comments section, including that CFIDS patients' blood work returns normal, that it is merely a question of food allergies (I eliminated the foods I'm allergic to years ago), or that CFIDS is simply indicative of "normal aging". (I was in a wheelchair for four months at age 24 and again at 34; pediatric CFIDS has been extensively researched and documented.)

Refreshingly honest and deeply compelling exploration of...

...love, loss, grief, art, belief, and the intersection of all of the above in a new Patti Smith interview with Chris Kornelis of the Seattle Weekly. Via my friend, Caryn Rose:

http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/reverb/2010/01/qa_patti_smith.php

This would be a spectacularly apt time to thank...

...Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, Pete Townshend's "After the Fire", and Peter Weir and Rafael Yglesias' Fearless for being among the very few things that make any goddamned sense now.

My deepest and lasting gratitude to all involved.

Dear Massachusetts:

If you fuck up today's special Senate election and both destroy the supermajority and further endanger health care legislation, you will have to cover the nation's uninsured and everyone else's co-payments. Because I'm in no mood for this shit and neither is anyone else, Litsa

"Change does not roll in on the wheels of inevitability...

...but comes through continuous struggle. And so we must straighten our backs and work for our freedom. A man can't ride you unless your back is bent."--Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.

Then slaughters a litter of kittens and makes you watch:

I posted this elsewhere last week, but I'm uncertain why conventional parlance refers to grief as coming in "waves" when it is much more akin to being struck on the back of the neck by a crowbar-wielding sociopath who then sets your hair on fire and laughs while eating a Snickers bar.

Smith Magazine's video of Wednesday night's reading at University Bookstore...

...in conjunction with their new book, It All Changed in an Instant: More Six-Word Memoirs (HarperCollins), in which I'm included.

As noted yesterday, instead of reading my piece in the collection, I read, "The clitoris: not a Rubik's Cube", that I'd written for Smith Mag's site and also read its accompanying backstory. 

Editor-in-chief, Larry Smith, has been relaying witty tales from each stop on the tour and you can read them, including some delightful and unexpected ones from the Seattle reading, on Smith Mag's site:

http://www.smithmag.net/sixwordbook/2010/01/14/life-is-hard-eat-more-chocolate%E2%80%94scenes-from-the-six-word-book-tour/

And, of course, you can buy the book, packed with stories from Frank McCourt, Gloria Steinem, Andy Richter, and scads of other compelling writers and thinkers, here: 

http://www.amazon.com/All-Changed-Instant-Six-Word-Memoirs/dp/0061719439

Or you can find it at most bookstores nationwide. I'd recommend it even if I weren't in it. 

The frosting on the cake: I felt more buoyant during the reading than I have in months. It felt good being funny. As Mel Brooks has said, "Humor is just another defense against the universe."

The new book from the editors of Smith Magazine in which I'm included:

It All Changed in an Instant: More Six-Word Memoirs (HarperCollins).

Last night's reading at the University Bookstore was delightfully charged and we had a full house. I didn't read my piece in the book but instead chose, "The clitoris: not a Rubik's Cube" that I wrote for Smith's site and also read the backstory behind it.

Thank you so much to editors Larry Smith and Rachel Fershleiser for everything and to all those who attended! And buy the book to check out contributions from Frank McCourt, Laura Hillenbrand, Amy Tan, Sarah Silverman, Eugene Mirman and a panoply of equally insightful writers and thinkers.

From the U.S. State Department: How to help re the devastation in Haiti:

From the State Department's front page:

For missing family, call 1-888-407-4747. To help with relief efforts, text "HAITI" to "90999" and $10 will be given automatically to the Red Cross, charged to your cell phone bill.

See the State Department's front page for additional information re the Red Cross and Mercy Corps, too:

http://www.state.gov/

Thanks to my friend, Caryn Rose, for the tip.

[Postscript an hour later: Haiti's Prime Minister has told CNN "well over 100,000" have died:

http://www.cnn.com/2010/WORLD/americas/01/13/haiti.updates/index.html]

Eve Ensler's Ten Radical Acts for Congo in the New Year:

I know all of us are slammed, but it takes roughly five minutes to write the White House and another five to write the U.S. State Department. Reknowned playwright and activist Eve Ensler lists several concrete ways in which each of us can help end the protracted rape and slaughter in Congo:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/eve-ensler/ten-radical-acts-for-cong_b_418425.html

As Ensler says, think of the horror committed against the Congolese women as happening to your loved ones. At which point, it remains impossible to do nothing.

The "surprise" everyone saw coming: Sarah Palin signs with Fox News:

So, Miss Small Town Values will spend her working life in that capitol of godless, abortion-having, gay, lefty elitists, i.e. New York City, where Fox News, of course, is headquartered:

I'm sure she'll be welcomed with open arms.

Details:

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/44/2010/01/palin-signs-on-with-fox-news.html?wpisrc=newsletter

Might we stipulate...

...that one of the few verities remaining true throughout the ages is that it is unwise to repeatedly and deliberately antagonize a writer of Greek origin?

Fuck off, mornings:

As noted before, I've been a night owl my entire life. (Mom says that when I was little, she tried not to laugh when she caught me reading past bedtime because she did the same at that age.)

And while I've never been an individual who slept easily and have always been prone to nightmares, since he died, my sleep has become more erratic than usual. And again, as noted, I now frequently arise anywhere from 5:00 a.m. to 7:00 a.m.

And while it is simply one of the many things I've hated about the past 13 and a 1/2 weeks (number one being, of course, that he is dead), this whole morning thing is in the top ten because it is hugely disorienting and perhaps underscores the profound degree to which I no longer feel like myself.

And while I know I will never be that version of myself again and, by all accounts, I am doing as well as one can under the circumstances and I feel myself continuing to progress, still, we'll know a corner has been turned when I resume writing until 5:00 a.m. instead of beginning at 5:00 a.m.

Re the meme circulating on Facebook wherein women relay the color of the bra they're currently wearing...

...ostensibly, to raise awareness of breast cancer: You know what also raises awareness of breast cancer? Actually discussing breast cancer:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/breast-cancer/DS00328

http://ww5.komen.org/

http://www.cancer.org/docroot/cri/cri_2x.asp?sitearea=lrn&dt=5

http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/types/breast

Given the way this night is going...

...it seems as fitting time as any to start re-reading Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking.

As oft-noted, Didion is one of my favorites and I read it upon its release, knowing full well that I, like all of us who hadn't crossed the threshold, would one day understand it in a way I didn't then.

We're here now. And there's something darkly funny that TJ couldn't stand Didion.

Three months later...

...or 13 weeks, to be precise, progress has been made.

Still alternately feels as if he were in the room five minutes ago and as if this has been the longest quarter year in human history, though.

"After the fire/ the fire still burns..."--Pete Townshend

Oh, somewhat restful and uninterrupted sleep.

How I miss ye.

Happy birthday, Michael Stipe:

[Above: The "So. Central Rain (I'm Sorry)" and "Don't Go Back to Rockville" 12" singles I bought in London, summer of 1985.]

Michael Stipe turned 50 today and I've been thinking of the joy R.E.M.'s work has brought me since my then-boyfriend rhapsodized about Murmur in 1983 and I purchased it and the band's previous E.P., Chronic Town, in quick succession. And I clearly remember pulling stray weeds around the perimeter of my parents' front yard, Walkman headphones firmly in place, swooning to the newly released Reckoning during the summer of 1984 in between junior and senior years at my much-loathed Blanchet High School. I had a trope of close-knit friends, other readers and artists, mostly, some of whom I'm still in contact with today, and R.E.M. became part of our shared language and tapestry. And out of the band's dozen or so shows I have imbibed over the years, each has yielded cherished and spectacular memories.

So, here's to another 50, Mr. Stipe. And thank you.

The good thing about death?

Eventually it'll claim those you don't like, too.

So there's that.

Nice:

Yesterday was the first day in the past 12 and a 1/2 weeks that I felt any sort of stillness in my heart or mind.

And the day prior marked the first time I recalled a truly funny ongoing joke he and I shared for years and just laughed, without subsequently crying, too.

We continue.

Okay.

Let's do this thing.

Dear 2009:

Please find a bunch of dicks, dip them in ketchup, and eat them. Then go fuck yourself with a hammer. I am moving on to 2010, whom I hope to make out with frequently.

Goodbye forever,
Litsa

Through the generosity and connections of one of my closest cousins...

...yesterday I did a phone intake with a researcher at Johns Hopkins who specializes in microbiology and autoimmune disorders.

Besides the fact she was a superb listener and provided valuable and practical information, she herself has MS. While this latter part saddens me, of course, my interaction with her marks the first time I've worked with a clinician who also has a chronic, incurable illness and one that presents very similarly to mine, to boot.

As such, there was a shorthand to our nearly two hour conversation. She understood aspects that elude even my favorite doctors and massage therapists. (Side note: I've tried acupuncture and yoga, as well, and both increased the dizziness; in the former case, to near incapacitation.)

Her treatment is going quite well and her symptoms remain symptoms, obviously, and this sucks, but I'm glad for her advancement and grateful for her openness.

Life is different on this side of the membrane.

You know the great thing about those who don't acknowledge illness or death?

They have managed to inoculate themselves and now their bodies will remain impervious to deterioration and they'll achieve immortality. Because that's totally how life works.

Have fun brushing the sand off your heads, dumbfucks.

Is it bad if you want to take a break from your...

...grief-induced, even-more-tenacious-than-usual behavior and just get super-drunk and listen to Wilco all day? How about tomorrow, too?

And what if you can almost never drink because of your health? Does this heighten or lessen the need?

Inching:

[Yesterday: Helena, me, Ellie.]

On Thanksgiving, I felt flayed then bathed in acid. Yesterday was hard, obviously, but my oft-noted best family ever was delightful and a bit of joy seeped through the cracks and three of my exes, with whom I'm still very close friends, called or wrote to let me know they were thinking of me. My family and I made a large donation to a cause TJ believed in and he gave me decades of memories.

I'm figuring this out as I go, but I know, irrefutably, he would want me and all of his loved ones to revel in life's random pockets of happiness.

To everyone spending their first round of holidays...

...without a loved one, extra hugs and cookies to you. Especially to those who come together in their loss.

And immeasurable good wishes to all my loved ones for their ceaseless kindness and humor. Though you haven't done it to be thanked, I will never be able to thank you enough. And while I know you know this, I love you more than I can express.

To crib the Mountain Goats lyric, "I am gonna make it through this year/ if it kills me."

Merry Christmas to those who celebrate it and warm wishes to those don't.

Peace to all.