We need a new word for "disaster":

I wish "hell" were divorced from religious connotations because it more aptly describes what has transpired in Japan since Thursday.

Everyone already knows where to donate by now and I have no idea if thoughts and prayers work, but I'll keep sending mine, just in case, to the victims, their loved ones and the first responders.

Of equal personal importance, a close loved one is back in the hospital for the second time in three weeks. Again, I send thoughts and prayers, hoping they help, unsure of their impact.

Life continues reminding us it is beautiful and terrifying in equal measure.

My newest piece for TNB, "Mike Sacks Really Wants a Meat-pocket", is up now:

I interview Mike Sacks' about his new, wickedly droll and superbly reviewed essay collection, Your Wildest Dreams within Reason.

As I state in the intro after alluding to the horror unfolding in Japan, "In a world that will never make sense, we need smart people who make us laugh. So, thank you, Mike Sacks, for helping us keep the lids on our pill jars.":

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ldremousis/2011/03/mike-sacks-really-wants-a-meat-pocket/

Because we're just a font of good news around here:

The Wall Street Journal's newest CFIDS piece, on whether it's safe for those of us with CFIDS to donate blood and the role the XMRV retrovirus might play in determining the answer:

http://blogs.wsj.com/health/2011/03/07/xmrv-and-the-blood-supply-more-study-needed/

As I noted the other day, the Wall Street Journal's CFIDS reporting has been exemplary. If you have CFIDS, particularly an acute presentation in an advanced state like I do, even the thought of donating blood is criminally negligent. I would never risk inflicting this upon anyone, much less some poor bastard who needed a blood transfusion. Within the past year, the governments of the U.K., Canada, New Zealand and Australia have issued edicts legally prohibiting those of us with CFIDS from donating blood. In this country, the Red Cross announced last year, thanks, but no thanks. The FDA has been advised to do the same and we're waiting for their conclusion.

One of the things that fascinates me about this discussion is that it's finally being taken seriously. One of the first questions I asked after being diagnosed early in 1992 (I was egregiously ill nine months before I had a diagnosis) was, "Can I donate blood?" I followed these with, "Could I transmit this sexually?" and "If I were to get pregnant, could I give this to the fetus?" The answer I received from dozens of doctors was, basically, "Hell if I know." And they honestly didn't. But really, how fucking obvious was it that these were pertinent questions?

Twenty years later, with over a million Americans diagnosed with CFIDS and credible estimates running much higher, it's gratifying and vindicating the illness is increasingly treated with the seriousness it always deserved.

I can't help but ask, though, "What the hell took so long?"

From the New York Times, the Wall Street Journal, CBS News and Elle Magazine, four new CFIDS features outstanding as they are pertinent:

1) Elle Magazine's gorgeously etched profile on Laura Hillenbrand, author of the acclaimed bestsellers Seabiscuit and Unbroken. A searingly honest and often funny look at what it's like to write each day while your body slowly unravels:

http://www.elle.com/Beauty/Health-Fitness/Chronic-Fatigue-Syndrome-A-Celebrated-Author-s-Untold-Tale

2) The New York Times continues its superb CFIDS coverage with this dismantling of the recent Lancet study in Britain and explanation why a reliable diagnostic test is crucial:

http://www.nytimes.com/2011/03/08/health/research/08fatigue.html

3) The Wall Street Journal continues its superb CFIDS coverage with an examination of how the illness has continued to spread over the past 25 years, and again, why a reliable diagnostic test is of utmost importance. Written by a DePaul psychology professor who has had CFIDS for 21 years:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748704507404576179031979295592.html

4) And the most buoying of all, the new study, lauded by Dr. Nancy Klimas, the nation's foremost CFIDS researcher, that has discovered 700 spinal fluid proteins unique only to those with CFIDS. This is the news that finally brings the diagnostic test within reach. Its importance can't be overestimated:

http://www.cbsnews.com/stories/2011/02/23/eveningnews/main20035610.shtml?tag=stack

Again, profound thanks to my loved ones who always believed me and to those who met me later and stood by me. To those who doubted me, well, beware of Greeks with long memories.

"Time travel is lonely..."--John Vanderslice

Because it's an effective writing warm-up but mostly because it's fun, I post six-word stories on Smith Magazine nearly each day. (As noted last year, I had a piece included in Smith's latest HarperCollins anthology, It All Changed in an Instant and read at the University Bookstore stop of their tour: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TV8VpKj50Ds)

Went to post this morning and discovered one of mine is Story of the Day again, which is always pleasing, only it's the one I wrote about last year's Oscars: "Will miss watching Oscars with him.":

http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/story.php?did=103474

That held equally true last night, of course, but I'd spent the afternoon w/ two of my oldest and dearest friends and had run into a pair of my favorite colleagues and was putting a better face on things this year, because I can. I still hurt unremittingly but the shock has dissipated and I'm not shattered in the way I was at first. (I still hate the outcome and will hate it until I'm dead. But that's gotta be self-evident to anyone with a functioning brain stem.)

So it's strange how time has again folded in on itself, which it does all the time with grief and, also, if you're a writer.

So much for this year's half-dozen words on Aaron Sorkin.

And the laurel-resting continues:

One of my dear lefty colleagues recently chided me for being too hard on Greece and its ongoing economic debacle. I explained to him nearly each Greek-American I know had predicted the motherland's implosion and while creating the building blocks for contemporary democracy, math, theater and Western philosophy remains equally inspiring and astounding, toppling the EU is kind of a huge fucking deal.

Today, the latest from Forbes on Greece's new "I Won't Pay" movement:

http://www.forbes.com/feeds/ap/2011/02/22/general-eu-greece-i-won-apos-t-pay_8319311.html

Magic:

The Washington Square Hotel posted this photo on its Twitter feed today:

http://twitpic.com/42a0vu

Yes, I know New York winters permeate one's bone marrow and they're damned near impossible to navigate with a cane, but dear god, I remain entranced. (The last time I was in New York, it was 10 degrees F with wind chill, I had a 100 degree fever and needed the cane the entire trip and it was still completely fucking worth it. But did you expect me to reach any other conclusion?)

My new essay for Nerve, "A Foray into the Domestic Arts", is up now! Cookies, sex and the intersection of the two!

First off, thanks so much to everyone for your delightful birthday wishes yesterday. Imbibed the leftover cake from Kingfish this morning and am experiencing a sugar crash not unlike the opium madness Burroughs wrote of in Naked Lunch. ("I've got the fear!")

If we've known each other awhile, you know this is the fourth version of this essay that has run in the past ten years. And if we know each other well, you know the full story behind it, which is even funnier, though I'll omit select details here. Let's just say a certain someone used to repeatedly mention I left out the part how we'd already dated on-and-off before this story begins and that I'd broken up with him the previous time. I'd playfully retort, "Maybe you should write your own essay then."

When a longer version of this piece was published in the Seal Press anthology, Single State of the Union, alongside essays from Margaret Cho, Chelsea Handler and some fine writers who happen to be dear friends of mine, the latter group of us were asked to do readings at Elliott Bay Book Company, the University Bookstore and at Queen Anne Books. He attended the Queen Anne Books event with my folks, clapped louder than anyone, then Mom and Dad took us to dinner afterward.

Obviously, we did get back together again, but I never did bake cookies again:

http://www.nerve.com/love-sex/true-stories/grand-gestures-of-love-gone-wrong?page=4

Prompting nacho comsumption to fall drastically:

Hey, straight guys!

If you'd admit you're a wee curious about fucking each other, the NFL would become superfluous.

As would bar fights and any film in which Hugh Jackman transmogrifies.

Think it over and get back to me.

Happy Superbowl Sunday!

As usual, the inability to empathize has disheartening consequences:

Everything about this bill is revoltingly sexist, out-of-touch and cruel. I'm not a fan of Speaker Boehner (obviously) but I praised his eloquence when Congresswoman Giffords was shot. I don't foresee praising him again.

From New York Magazine, "New Bill Reportedly Proposes Restrictions on Federal Funding for Abortions":

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2011/01/abortion.html

Contained: a radical redefining of rape and incest.

A thousand times no.

Egypt's brave writers risk imprisonment, torture and death:

Well-researched and detailed new piece on the pernicious forces battling Egyptian writers who are calling for democracy:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/41285248/ns/technology_and_science-tech_and_gadgets/

All power to them. And goddamnit, we are so lucky to live here.

The Nervous Breakdown Literary Experience, Seattle Edition #2!

The Nervous Breakdown Literary Experience, Seattle Edition #2 is Friday, April 8, 7 p.m. in the Jewelbox Theater at the Rendezvous!

Last time, the Stranger called us "a big goddamned deal"; KOMO4.com deemed us "the six best authors in town" (a wee hyperbolic but a lovely compliment nonetheless); and City Arts said we were "funny and sharp".

Best not fuck this one up.

The brilliant Jonathan Evison whose latest novel, West of Here, just received a starred review from Booklist and--hold on to your hat!--Vanity Fair christened "a booming, big-hearted epic" is on board and I'll reveal the rest soon.

Five bucks at the door. We had a sold-out house at the premiere in September--hope to see you on April 8!

Seriously, it's got the makings of a Discovery Channel documentary:

I'm fairly certain the emails in all three inboxes are now asexually reproducing. While it's objectively fascinating and, more importantly, the content contained therein is humbling, moving and gratifying, despite returning scads each day, I'm still not caught up. "After the Fire" has, in fact, caught fire and I'm really kind of speechless at the response it has engendered even if--and this goes without saying--I'd much rather write of him alive.

Again, if you haven't heard back from me--and I'm positive your life continues unabated in the meantime--you will very soon.

Happy Sunday, all.

My new Seattle Weekly feature is online and on stands now!

My new Seattle Weekly feature, "An Incomplete History of Clutch Douglass' Journey to the '80s" is out now:

http://www.seattleweekly.com/2011-01-19/music/an-incomplete-history-of-clutch-douglass-journey-back-to-the-80s/

Fun being funny again!

A brief catch-up while dinner is in the oven:

• The Nerve essay (see previous post) generated a volume of letters as large as it was unforeseen. Completely bittersweet, given the piece's topic, and deeply humbling that people have chosen to share their own stories of loss. Each missive deserves a thoughtful response and all three of my inboxes have been overflowing for the past 10 days. I'm nearly caught up, but if you haven't heard from me yet, you will soon.
• Re Dr. King's birthday on Monday, those who think we live in "post-racial" nation now that we have an African-American President should read the comments on any well-trafficked site whenever said President is mentioned. As one of my friends says, "The only people who think this is a 'post-racial' society are always white."
• I'm going to concentrate on the astoundingly good news Congresswoman Giffords stood up today and momentarily ignore the House repeal of health care reform, which the Senate, of course, has no intent to take up. The only thing the House GOP understands less than health care reform, apparently, is health.
  

My new essay for Nerve, "After the Fire", is up:

Hard to write; much harder not to. Deeply touched by the insightful comments:

http://www.nerve.com/love-sex/true-stories/true-stories-after-the-fire

Hard to know where to begin:

Since first watching CNN's "Breaking News" report yesterday while nestling with the puppy and returning emails, i.e. engaging in unremarkable Saturday morning behavior, I've been incredibly saddened and upset by the horror that unfolded in Tuscon.

I feel awful for the victims and for their loved ones. I send Congresswoman Giffords and each survivor prayers and healing thoughts and wish them recovery with minimum trauma and maximum resiliency. The families of the deceased will always bear the scars and I hope they are able to find as much peace as they can. Found out today Judge John Roll was a longtime friend of a family friend and if we gauge others by the company they keep, Roll was a very good man indeed. And while it's hardly without precedent, I still can't wrap my mind around someone shooting a nine year-old girl. Or the level of hate required to shoot Giffords point-blank in the head.

Much discussion has resulted about the increased political vitriol of recent years and whether the gun cross-hairs Sarah Palin placed on 20 "targeted" opponents, among them Giffords, was a contributing factor to the actions of the deranged Jared Loughner. I'm 43 and those my age who are politically active have frequently commented in recent times we have never seen this kind of hate in U.S. politics. We feared someone would get killed or severely wounded. (For the record, and this should be obvious, but I would be equally horrified had a Republican congressperson been shot. Our elected officials shouldn't have to risk their lives.) Loughner bears the ultimate responsibility but I do think Palin and those who engage in sustained and pernicious "targeting" of their political opponents shoulder some of the blame. A sane person could view Palin's cross-hairs all day everyday and be unmoved to shoot one of the listed. But it's kind of fucking obvious not everyone is sane. And when you have roughly two and a half million Facebook supporters, as does Palin, keeping such a graphic on your page is spectacularly unwise. Whether Loughner was influenced by it remains to be seen; even if he wasn't, well, so what? Said graphic accomplished nothing except the notion it's valiant to dehumanize your opponents. And if history teaches us anything, it's that it's easy to harm those you dehumanize.

Speaking of Facebook, one of its most disheartening elements is the way in which some almost reflexively lunge for the jugular in political discussions. I'm openly, unabashedly lefty on most issues but quite vocal when I think Republicans have a good point (for instance, I'm not a fan of Boehner's and have made several jokes at his expense, but he has handled this tragedy with leadership and compassion). I have Republican loved ones, each of whom is well-informed and carefully considers the issues. On the left, we frequently accuse the right of lockstep thinking and it's often an accurate portrayal, but there's a whole lotta group think on the left, too, and in some ways it's even sadder because we insist we're the intellectuals. I enjoy healthy debate and most of the discussions on my page are just that. But it's assinine how many times in the two plus years I've been on Facebook I've had to chide someone for writing on my page they want to kill Sarah Palin. As I noted three months ago during the '10 camgaign when a colleague said his hypothetical slogan would be, "Kill Dino Rossi", this is the kind of thing that (rightfully) outrages us when some dipshit posts it about President Obama in comment sections everywhere; we can't do the inverse but somehow think it's okay because we have a million reasons we loathe Rossi because the comment section dipshits feel the same about Obama. None of us should advocate killing our opponents. Period. Why isn't this self-evident?

The fact Loughner was turned away from the military but still able to legally purchase a gun will forever baffle me and all sentient beings. This wasn't a question of the Second Amendment but of common sense: if your mental health problems preclude you from carrying a weapon overseas, they preclude you from carrying one to a Safeway parking lot.

We can do better than this. We'll have to.

All thoughts and prayers to those whose lives were ruptured yesterday.

The world grows increasingly interconnected with each passing year and...

...this would be horrible news under any circumstances, but one of my best friends for the past 23 years just moved to London yesterday, so I find this particularly disturbing.

Wishing the Brits best of luck and very much hope this is a false alarm. In particular, I want my friend and his wife to be safe. And holy hell, what fucked up news to receive the first day in your new city:

http://www.cnn.com/2011/WORLD/europe/01/06/london.terrorist.attacks/index.html

And now, thanks, Huffington Post and once again, Smith Magazine!

Fun piece in which to be included and a rollicking good way to launch 2011:

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/larry-smith/six-word-memoirs-new-year_b_803327.html?ref=fb&src=sp#s218347&title=Finish%20manuscript%3B%20click%20heels%3B%20drink%20heavily.

Thanks, KEXP!

KEXP interviewed a bunch of us re our 2011 resolutions. Fun being included with Ken Stringfellow, Matthew Caws, King County Executive, Dow Constantine and others whose work I admire and/or with whom I'm friends. Plus, an added bonus: my younger brother is actually impressed:

http://blog.kexp.org/blog/2010/12/30/seattle-music-scene%E2%80%99s-new-year%E2%80%99s-resolutions-pt-1/comment-page-1/#comment-389563

Special thanks to KEXP writer Jon Harthun for eliciting my answers.

May 2011 kiss all of us on the cheek. Best to you and yours!

Salut!

• To my loved ones and colleagues who helped assuage the searing grief to manageable levels, I remain forever and deeply grateful. I've written of this before but it's worth repeating: there's so much good in the world and I was surrounded by it and that made all the difference. The shock wore off months ago and the "new normal" everyone kept referring to continues to take shape. I incorporate his memory daily and will miss him 'til I'm dead, but in incremental ways, I'm getting the hang of the second half of my life.
  

• To everyone wise enough not to inject their religious or philosophical beliefs into another's grief. The most salient card I received read, "It's always too soon." Really, that's all anyone needs to say.
  

• I feel he helped look after me in the early months after his death. I realize some lose a partner or close loved one and experience their total absence. I'm not disputing their accounts; merely relaying mine. And I know I might be wrong.
  

• I worked with a particularly fine crop of editors and producers this year and will be working with each of them throughout 2011 and that's high-five and heel-click prompting.
  

• To the five conventionally married couples who like as well as love each other: nice job. Share tips with your friends; save the rest of us the headache of listening to another conversation delineating the ways in which marriage is not a porridge of rainbows and gold-leaf crumbles.

• I loved my rabbits boundlessly and when the last one died in May, my home started to resemble a catacomb. So it's been pretty fucking great that my puppy, Thomas, is every bit as sweet, smart, life-affirming and reflexively goofy as I'd hoped he'd be. Thomas Puppy!

• To each citizen and administration official who worked tirelessly to pass health care reform and to repeal DADT. So much left to accomplish, but this is a damned fine start. And I'm still glad I raised money and voted for President Obama.

• There is some good news in the offing I've shared with almost no one because I'd rather unveil it when the ink is dry. Still, it's pleasant having things to look forward to again.
  

• I am profoundly lucky my family, friends and colleagues are, in fact, my family, friends and colleagues. Much love now and forever.
  

[I know I wrote a few days ago that I wouldn't mention him in my year-end wrap-up because a set of grief-mongers apparently has little to do but search for his name here. Well, fuck 'em.]

Why the Jimmy Carter comparision makes no sense whatsoever:

As during the Carter years, there's a recession akin to a bloodbath; joblessness persists; house values keep plummeting and the nation's mood remains cranky as hell.

But to borrow Joe Biden's oft-quoted phrase, here's the huge fucking deal: Carter's one term held few historically notable successes. Obama's first two years contain a pair of gigantic victories: health care reform and the repeal of DADT. Also, the combat phase of the Iraq war is essentially over (not that we can breathe easy yet, but we're moving in the right direction).

No, Gitmo isn't closed and Obama hasn't devised a way to divide loaves and fishes or walk on water, but it'd be useful if my fellow compadres on the left took a sec, breathed deep and momentarily enjoyed what the administration has accomplished so far. The "to do" list still scrolls to the floor, but focusing on success builds momentum, which in turn leads to more success.

And for god's sake, media outlets, you must chill: no one is challenging him from the left in '12. With so many actual stories to cover, it's assinine to speculate where none exists.

Guy walking by absorbed by your Kindle...

...unless it contains Pakistan's nuclear codes and you've heard rumors President Asif Ali Zardari has an itchy trigger finger, you appear less intellectual, not more.

The smartest and most insightful response is usually to engage in the world surrounding you.

All thoughts and prayers for my friend and her family, please:

I'll heading out the door soon for Part #2 of the Christmas cacophony but my thoughts are with my good friend, whose sister died yesterday after a long bout with brain cancer. She died at home surrounded by her loved ones and for the past two weeks, each of them knew this would arrive any moment.

While her sister's suffering is over, there is a tragedy and, from where I sit, a meaningless to such deaths. Randomness is as brutal a force as the tsunami that killed hundreds of thousands of individuals on this day six years ago.

I'll be seeing my friend soon and we've been there for each other through previous bouts of unfettered awfulness, but everything about this passing is spectacularly unfair and I know whatever comfort I can provide is di minimis and the whole point of this holiday seems perverse and darkly ridiculous right now.

I'm massively fortunate to have...

...so many deeply thoughtful, extraordinarily intelligent, boundlessly talented and ridiculously super-cute friends and family members.

That said, my dear friend and colleague, Jade, just gave me an autographed first-edition Joan Didion, so unless someone wants to gift-wrap Bono and/or Jon Hamm, I think this is the gift-getting pinnacle.

I'm going to skip year-end reflections...

...because much of them would incorporate you-know-who and I long ago opted to withhold from the grief-mongers whatever it is they think they'll find here. (Seriously, when certain individuals do searches on his name here several times a week, it's not a question of loose screws so much as the degree of looseness.)

Instead, I'll offer a holiday piece I filmed for the Seattle Channel three years ago. (He and I watched it together on my living room couch when it first aired. There--I'll throw you a grief scrap.)

Re the piece itself, about the Christmas torment my brother unleashed on my high school boyfriend, what good are the holidays if you can't needle your younger sibling and remind him that even on the cusp of fatherhood, he remains your baby bro? Ah, payback, a quarter century later. I start at a minute and 17 seconds:

Seattle Channel Video can be played in Flash Player 9 and up

My new interview with John Vanderslice for Paste Magazine is here:

The lauded singer-songwriter and all-around swell guy on philanthropy, Three Imaginary Girls, Teen Feed and playing Santa:

http://www.pastemagazine.com/blogs/giving_back/2010/12/john-vanderslice-dresses-as-santa-for-three-imaginary-girls-fundraiser.html

I've had a spate of interviews lately I've really enjoyed and this ranks high among them. My editor made an error, though, and one of JV's answers makes a lot less sense without the question preceding it. So here's the full exchange:

PASTE: The Three Imaginary Girls told me how thrilled they were you stepped up with little notice to play Santa at their holiday concert benefiting Teen Feed, the non-profit that provides meals for homeless youth, and that you'll perform at the event, as well. The night before Three Imaginary Girls' soiree, you're joining your frequent compadres, the Mountain Goats, to play a live show accompanying a silent film in the Castro. So you're playing an intricately involved affair in your home city, San Francisco, then immediately hopping a plane to Seattle to help hungry teens. Few artists of your stature would put themselves through the rigors of performing the shows sequentially. What compelled you to say, "Yes"?

JOHN VANDERSLICE: Well, when Three Imaginary Girls calls, you best answer, “Yes.” I'm there for Three Imaginary Girls and Teen Feed! I'll fly in that night and don my suit in the mini-van (Town car? Limo? Ha!) on the way to the show. Teen Feed is a tremendous charity doing necessary work so helping them has to be a good thing. John Darnielle [of the Mountain Goats] asked me a few days after I had accepted the invitation to come to Seattle. I would have done both shows either way. I feel lucky to have such good people who want to do things with me!

The Vanderslicer! Three Imaginary Girls! Teen Feed!

My new Seattle Weekly piece on Three Imaginary Girls' holiday benefit for Teen Feed, featuring the endlessly swell John Vanderslice, is online and on stands now:

http://www.seattleweekly.com/events/three-imaginary-girls-holiday-party-1168315/

If you need a respite from holiday-induced madness, loved ones and/or deadlines:

The deeply talented and industrious Diane Mapes has a new feature on MSNBC.com in which I'm among those interviewed. Bemused that a number of my friends recalled the person in question right away:

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/40281993/ns/health-pain_center/

And Thomas was featured on Capitol Hill Blog a few months ago, but I had a bunch of deadlines and neglected to post it:

http://capitolhillseattle.com/2010/09/28/hillcats-2010

Hooray, puppydog!

The countdown to January 2nd resumes.

It was his birthday on Wednesday...

...but I'm not writing about it here.

You can stop doing word searches on his name.

Well, yeah, that makes sense:

The American Red Cross is now forbidding people with CFIDS from donating blood:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/12/03/AR2010120305888.html

England and Canada implemented the same measure earlier this year. I've never donated blood in the 19 years I've had CFIDS, even in the early years when my doctors said I could (they've informally advised against it for awhile now), because I figured whatever was making me this ill didn't belong in the blood supply.

Glad the Red Cross is taking this step and I hope the Centers for Disease Control and NIH follow suit.

It's almost too easy to deem birther Texas State Representative Leo Berman (R) a racist, clinically paranoid...

...and skull-dented withered old man, but it's accurate on all counts, so what are you going to do?

Anderson Cooper dismantles Berman's inaccuracies in an exemplary televised interview that should inspire more journalists how to remain calm while shredding totally fabricated crap:

http://www.nerve.com/news/politics/watch-anderson-cooper-mops-the-floor-with-republican-birther

I'm pretty damned fortunate nearly everyone in my life...

...understands at least the basics of CFIDS, including its severity and unpredictability.

Which is hugely appreciated, as I was too ill to attend Thanksgiving (marking the first time I've been so incapacitated I skipped a major holiday) or my friends' dinner party Saturday night. Except to walk the puppy, I've been unable to leave the house for days. Still on track with my upcoming deadlines, but I'm in so much pain it hurts to lift my head.

If you know me, you know this isn't a bid for sympathy. Far from it. I remain open about CFIDS because there are so many misconceptions surrounding it; the only way this changes is if those of us with the illness are honest about how we live. And it's as pointless to dwell on it as it is to hide it.

Really touched that my dad brought by holiday leftovers and that several friends volunteered to do the same. I'd gone grocery shopping before the worst of it hit, so I'm well-stocked, but still: I'm super-lucky in a lot of ways and this is one of them.

Laura Hillenbrand, lauded author of Seabiscuit and "A Sudden Illness", her essay detailing her life with CFIDS, has a new novel, Unbroken, receiving wide acclaim. (You can read a fine excerpt in this month's print version of Vanity Fair.) In yesterday's Washington Post, Hillenbrand discusses the intersection of CFIDS and writing:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/11/28/AR2010112803533.html

And in the new Newsweek, the XMRV retrovirus and its possible causative or correlative role with CFIDS is examined:

http://www.newsweek.com/2010/11/28/could-a-virus-cause-chronic-fatigue-syndrome.html

I'm reminded of Chris Rock's line, that the last time science cured anything, "I Love Lucy" was still on the air, but like most of us, I'd be mighty thrilled with an even somewhat reliable treatment.

Good thing I can do my job lying down.

It speaks to how bad Seattle's snow situation is right now...

...that a man killed a stranger with an axe Monday morning a half-mile from my home in full view of school children and it has barely made the news.

In a strange and awful coincidence, the murderer lived on my street and was treating at the mental health facility on Olive; both were true of the 2007 knife-wielding New Year's Eve murderer.

Like everyone, I feel for the victims' families and wish no one had to suffer such horror.

And not to point fingers, but the mental health facility on Olive might want to step up its standard of care.

Particularly the drunk guys riding their bikes in the snow:

Don't get pieces like this because so much of the dogs vs. cats debate comes down to the genetics and environment of the individual animal:

http://jezebel.com/5697229/science-says-dogs-are-smarter-than-cats

That said, Thomas, of course, is smarter than most two-legged creatures roaming the planet.

Sleep well!

Several inches of snow have fallen since this afternoon, which is fine for those of us who work from home. Thanksgiving is probably canceled for a large chunk of the city, though, as most of it is a series of hills. Local news is reporting two buses just spun out on I-5 and are blocking three lanes then they showed my neighborhood, which is too snowed over for cars at all. Not that this has stopped a cabal of drunken sledders from commandeering the nearby hills as they did two years ago. I'm bemused, but the puppy is calling total bullshit on these antics and for now, at least, I've kept him distracted.

Much more importantly, a friend of mine just posted Wall Street Journal reports that North Korea and South Korea have exchanged fire and it's utterly horrifying:

http://online.wsj.com/article/SB10001424052748703904804575631763523837910.html?mod=wsj_share_twitter

So this is all really useful because slumber tonight was looking too peaceful.

And vegans will like pizza, too:

There will be peace in the Middle East before non-writers understand how we write and why.

(With a few notable exceptions, of course.)

Belated good news re The Nervous Breakdown:

Fellow TNB colleague and pal Aaron Dietz reads from his new and well-received novel, Super, tonight at The Hideout. Details:

http://www.aarondietz.us/?page_id=423

Hope to see you there!

Also, this appeared in my Google alerts yesterday a month and a half after the fact, but in addition to rave previews from The Stranger and from KOMO4.com, it turns out The Nervous Breakdown Literary Experience Seattle Edition also received a swell write-up from City Arts Magazine:

http://www.cityartsmagazine.com/blog/2010/09/catch-nervous-breakdown-literary-series

Retroactive high fives to all.

Two reasons John Edwards remains useful:

1) Aaron Sorkin is writing a screenplay based on the Edwards biography, The Politician. The odds it will be less than brilliant and wildly entertaining are roughly the same John Boehner will forgo bronzer.

2) New York Magazine is reporting via the National Enquirer (yeah, I know, but the Enquirer has been dead accurate throughout Edwards' protracted imbroglios) that Rielle Hunter is now fucking around on him:

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2010/11/enquirer_claims_rielle_hunter.html

Still bummed those two opted to procreate. Nearly seven billion humans roaming the earth; we were fine without their contributing to the gene pool. (Not that it's their kid's fault, of course. I'm sure she's lovely.)

In seven short hours! Woo hoo!

I'm telling a story tonight as part of Annex Theatre Company's "60 Seconds Max", 11:00 p.m., 1100 E. Pike St., $10 at the door. Forty-six performers and readers and a panoply of great and good things. Also, ample booze on the premises.

Netflix can wait 'til tomorrow night!

[Saturday morning postscript: crackling and compelling show! Really enjoyed being part of it. More on Annex Theatre, one of Seattle's best and longest running:

http://www.annextheatre.org/]

Onward!

We knew this was coming.

The best strategy? Take a deep breath and begin the fight for 2012.

And please forgo infantile "I'm moving to..." wailing. It accomplishes nothing, reinforces the perception we're crybabies and insults all who have fought real oppression.

My dad has Nazi shrapnel in his leg. I think I can begin and end my days with John Boehner as House Speaker. And history will vindicate Nancy Pelosi and her arduous work on behalf of health care reform.

Learn and move forward.

Then sniffing a bunch of glue:

The one thing we know for certain is that in 75 years, everyone reading this will be dead.

Some will die from accident, homicide, suicide, "act of God" (hurricane, et al), but the overwhelming majority of us will die from illness. And most of those illnesses will be protracted and probably grisly.

But yeah, President Obama's health care legislation backed by the Democrats was a "pet issue".

The electorate is gargling bongwater.

With two days left until the election...

...Patty Murray and Dino Rossi, Washington State's senatorial candidates whose positions overlap not at all, are tied in polls at 47% to 47%. (It's axiomatic that King, Pierce and Snohomish Counties tilt heavily toward Murray but, of course, there's that pesky rest of the state.) The Tea Party, which I loathe, includes women to a greater degree than do Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert, whose work I love and admire.

The person closest to me and I got drunk Election Night '08 and I think I might drink on Tuesday, but for entirely different reasons.

The Rally to Restore Sanity:

Jon Stewart's closing remarks were incredibly salient and could have stood alone.

In three hours, though, three women performed, one briefly, none solo.

"Sanity" apparently has a ball sack.

Nostalgia is fruitless and the Nineties were fraught with their own complications...

...but it's astounding it was a mere decade ago we had reasonable expectations flights and elections would go off without a hitch.

From New York Magazine, "Dogs Looking Depressed in Their Halloween Costumes":

Photo slideshow of the annual Halloween dog costume extravaganza at Tompkins Park, with dogs looking understandably pissed off:

http://nymag.com/daily/intel/2010/10/dog_halloween_parade.html?%3Fmid=facebook_nymag#photo=1x67315

To each their own and all that, but I'd never dress up Thomas because he's already one of history's cutest creatures and it'd just be gilding the lily. Plus, as the pictorial demonstrates, dogs don't want to wear your grandfather's fedora.

Caroline Leavitt's new novel, Pictures of You:

I'll be writing more about this in at least one upcoming piece, but when Pictures of You by Caroline Leavitt (Girls in Trouble) is released January 25th, you'd be foolish to overlook it. Leavitt's is the best kind of literary fiction: vivid and warm and depicting a heightened reality while prompting one to read in lieu of eating or sleeping. I'm a slow reader (I remember nearly everything I read, but I imbibe it slowly) and I finished my advance copy in a few days. And sure, we're friends, but I'm close with dozens of writers and not all of them elicit this degree of enthusiasm. More on Leavitt's work:

http://www.carolineleavitt.com/

I still believe Anita Hill:

Debate has ensued whether Anita Hill should have publicly disclosed Ginny Thomas' voicemail.

Hill was right for three reasons:

1) It demonstrates the bizarrely contorted views of harassers and those who defend them.

2) She prevents Ginny from publicly relaying an untrue version of events.

3) Hill demonstrates nearly two decades later she is resolutely unapologetic because she did absolutely nothing wrong.

I've always deeply admired Anita Hill and my respect for her has grown.

My KUOW piece is archived online now:

Much thanks to the A Guide to Visitors producers. And in addition to emails from friends and family, I've received a few from strangers. Buoying when the Internet uses its powers for good.

My piece is archived in "Hour Six" and it's the fourth one in:

http://kuow.org/specials/aguidetovisitors.php

KUOW, 8:00 tonight:

I have a piece airing on KUOW 94.9 FM (Seattle's NPR affiliate) at 8:00 tonight. Part of the stellar A Guide to Visitors series.

Details:

http://kuow.org/program.php?id=21278

Finally:

A federal panel has urged changing Chronic Fatigue Syndrome's name to reflect the illness' serious and multi-systemic nature:

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/Health/panel-pushes-chronic-fatigue-syndrome-change/story?id=11891485&page=1

I spent most of my twenties having people ask me, "So, are you tired all the time?" The above news is overdue and vindicating.

Sometimes it's almost too easy mocking Mitt Romney but...

...it doesn't make it any less fun.

The latest? The once and future GOP presidential candidate who spent $40 million of his own cash to come in third behind Mike Huckabee in the '08 race has made it a condition of his speaking engagement contract that hosts purchase several thousand copies of his new "book", No Apology:

http://www.salon.com/news/politics/war_room/2010/10/15/mitt_romney_book/index.html

Say what you will about John McCain and Rudy Giuliani, but you gotta like that by all accounts they consider Romney a pretty-boy, flip-flopping stuffed shirt.

All sides can agree on something after all.

Wishing the Chilean miners and their families all the best in the years ahead:

Everyone with a soul was moved by yesterday's astoundingly good news. Will things get a bit more complicated physically, psychologically and financially in the upcoming months? Undoubtedly. For now, though, it's glorious to revel in humanity at its best.

In context, this is de minimis, obviously, but my six-word memoir on the event was chosen by Smith Magazine as their Story of the Day:

http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/

Permalink to the story:

http://www.smithmag.net/sixwords/story.php?did=154666

As always, thanks to editor Larry Smith and everyone at his eponymous mag for consistently generating compelling web content.

My TNB interview with Vanity Fair's Mike Sacks, who co-authored Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk with...

...some of his friends who write for "The Daily Show", The Onion and for Conan O'Brien:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ldremousis/2010/10/mike-sacks-co-wrote-2010s-funniest-book-earned-jon-stewarts-praise-and-for-now-at-least-preserved-his-infant-daughters-mental-health/

OBOJ is like a bowl of pistachios: so tasty, you forget it's good for you. No mere "humor" book, it's brilliantly crafted and elicits the kind of laughs that might get you involuntarily committed.

Like everyone, I'm watching the Chilean mine workers' rescue and...

...it's impossible not to be moved by the courage and tenacity of all involved. Thinking of the miners, the rescuers, all of their families and everyone anywhere in the world who remains unable to walk free.

Dogs and donuts and, of course, the rock: my two newest Seattle Weekly features:

My interview with the eminently talented singer-songwriter, Shelby Earl:

http://www.seattleweekly.com/2010-10-06/music/donuts-and-dogs-with-shelby-earl/

And all about the Hattie's Hat line-up for the Reverb Festival:

http://www.seattleweekly.com/2010-10-06/music/hattie-s-hat/

These came out last Wednesday but for obvious reasons, I didn't post them. The tete a tete with Earl was a total kick and I really enjoyed covering the Hattie's Hat roster. Skipped the festival on Saturday--again, for obvious reasons--but have heard swell reports.

Under the circumstances, things are as good as can be.

A year ago today...

...TJ's body was found.

An elderly man on a fixed income lived in TJ's building for decades. For 10 years, the man couldn't cover rent. TJ paid the remainder so the man could forgo assisted living and stay in his home. TJ never told anyone except me.

It's worth sharing now.

(As I did at his memorial last year.)

My interview with Kurt B. Reighley, author of the wholly engaging and critically lauded new book...

...United States of Americana went up earlier tonight at The Nervous Breakdown:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ldremousis/2010/10/kurt-b-reighley-author-of-united-states-of-americana-makes-you-want-make-things/

Of the dozens of folks I've interviewed, Reighley is among my favorites. Our culture is a better place for his work. And he's got a killer recipe for homemade pickles, rendering most books the poorer for lacking one.

"Well we all shine on/ like the moon and the stars and the sun!"

For an upcoming feature, I need sources who remember where they were when John Lennon was killed. Particularly, but not exclusively, New Yorkers.

Feel free to share. Thanks!

Photographic evidence!

TNBLE Seattle Edition, shot by super-talented Emergency Press photographer, Kymberlee della Luce:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/unbridled_expression/sets/72157624914530461/

Rocky Votolato's "White Daisy Passing":

Especially resonates tonight.

"Please slow it down
there's a secret magic past world that you only notice when you're looking back at it
all I wanna do is turn around
I'm going down to sleep on the bottom of the ocean
because I couldn't let go when the water hit the setting sun
passing white daisies taking turns
close the door walk into the street
catching raindrops on your tongue
and for a minute it all stops but it won't last man
it's just a passing moment gone
please slow it down
there's a secret place that I know where I could dig a grave out and climb underground for good
all I want to do is turn around
I'm going down to sleep on the bottom of the ocean
because I couldn't let go when the water hit the setting sun
passing white daisies taking turns
all those evenings on the back deck of our first apartment
they meant everything but the wind just carried em off
and you can't go back now just a passing moment gone"

Sports metaphor!

Grand slam, touchdown, three-pointer, all that: last night's The Nervous Breakdown Literary Experience (TNBLE), Seattle Edition was a rousing success! Capacity house filled with a delightfully kinetic audience and a roster of deeply talented authors who brought it. In addition to overseeing the event and emceeing, I read part of my upcoming novel, Antifreeze. I'm so fucking sick today it actually hurts to move but under the circumstances, it was totally worth it. Also, a wonderful on-air talent volunteered to emcee our next round, a gallery owner asked me to hold the next TNBLE at her venue and a publisher is taking me to lunch next week. So, you know, mazel tov.

Or whatever they'd say on ESPN.

KOMO4.com calls The Nervous Breakdown Literary Experience, Seattle Edition "Seattle's best authors" and, also...

..."a half dozen of the city's most lauded authors":

http://downtownseattle.komonews.com/content/seattles-best-authors-come-together-literary-event

Deeply flattering!

If we let you down, we'll do your laundry.

Because so much of life is a geographic lottery:

I never pontificate to readers because I trust you're smart and informed. You don't need me to tell you what's occurring the world.

I know everyone's lives are brimming with good and with chaos, i.e we've all got a whole lot going on, but if you get a chance, please consider donating to the relief and rebuilding efforts in Pakistan. Its floods have received little attention, but two million people are currently homeless as a result of the water sweeping away huge swaths of the nation's infrastructure. The U.N. estimates the humanitarian crisis is worse than that in Haiti. (Not that it's a contest, but you get the point.) I posted a link earlier this week to an interview I conducted with my friend who is on the ground distributing food and water and helping to build new homes. He posted new photos today. They are indelible and heart-wrenching. Through chance, my puppy has a better existence than the people depicted.

Something is askew.

Mercy Corp's Pakistan donation page:

https://donate.mercycorps.org/donation.htm?DonorIntent=Pakistan%20Emergency&Custom15=wm&Custom18=628aa0a91a17cc4e91f71fd43d9503de

The Stranger gives The Nervous Breakdown Literary Experience, Seattle Edition a fantastic write-up:

Quoth:

"This is a big goddamned reading of local authors that serves as a west-coast franchise of the popular online magazine for writers. Sean Beaudoin, Aaron Dietz, Litsa Dremousis, Tom Hansen, Lauren Hoffman, and Matthew Simmons."

More:

http://www.thestranger.com/seattle/Event?event=4882845

Thank you, humanity:

This merits a much longer post, or perhaps it's best served by simplicity, but for the past 48 hours, I've encountered utterly delightful humans and I'm grateful and then grateful some more.

Plus, I've got a puppy curled up next to me and for now, at least, a welcome stillness prevails.

My friend is doing relief work in the devastating aftermath of Pakistan's recent floods:

I interviewed him for The Nervous Breakdown:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ldremousis/2010/09/pakistan-drowned-in-the-waters-of-the-lion-river/

Also, TNB's editor-in-chief and founder, the estimable Brad Listi (Attention. Deficit. Disorder.) was just interviewed by the National Book Critics Circle:

http://bookcritics.org/blog/archive/conversations_with_literary_websites_the_nervous_breakdown/

"They called the people they loved--many of them...

...giving comfort instead of seeking it, explaining they were taking action, and that everything would be O.K. And then they rose as one, they acted as one, and together they changed history's course."
--Michelle Obama at the tribute to Flight 93 passengers

My new piece for The Nervous Breakdown is here:

Goddamnit, we just might pull this off:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ldremousis/2010/09/announcing-the-nervous-breakdown-literary-experience-seattle-edition/#comment-99898

Six months old today:

It's strange I brought Thomas home only three weeks ago because we bonded instantly and I've been astounded how rapidly the little guy has changed everything for the better. It's not that I'm no longer grieving, but that sense of being pummeled by a 2' x 4' throughout each day has been staved. Thomas is preternaturally intelligent and sweet tempered--he loves observing seagulls and squirrels but doesn't chase them--and his stealth rivals the CIA's. (I watch him closely and we've had few food mishaps so far, but the one time he snuck a strand of spaghetti from me it was with split-second timing.) And when he puts his head on my shoulder when I lie down to watch Netflix on my laptop, the world is several shades brighter.

From top to bottom: at Cal Anderson Park, at Thomas Street Park, at Thomas Street Park, at Cal Anderson Park, at an outside table at the Vivace on the north part of Broadway, at Cal Anderson Park.

The smartest piece on Courtney Love and Seattle maybe ever

From Ma'chell Duma LaVassar at the Seattle Weekly:

http://www.seattleweekly.com/2010-09-01/music/in-defense-of-courtney/

My new feature for Nerve is here:

My new feature for Nerve on how Mom and Dad met and overcame my iron-willed grandmother's opposition is up:

http://nerve.com/before-you-were-born/the-dremousis

They've got the front page now. High five, parents!

The Nervous Breakdown Seattle!

An intersection of lit and wit featuring Seattle-based authors who write for the lauded arts and culture site, The Nervous Breakdown: Sean Beaudoin (Going Nowhere Faster, Fade to Blue, You Killed Wesley Payne), Aaron Dietz (Superheroes), Litsa Dremousis (Esquire, The Believer, Paste, the Seattle Weekly, Nerve, the forthcoming novel, Antifreeze), Tom Hansen (American Junkie), Lauren Hoffman (the forthcoming essay collection, When You I Feel Because), and Matthew Simmons (A Jello Horse, CAVES).

Thursday, September 23, 7:00 p.m. at the Jewel Box Theater in the Rendezvous. Five bucks at the door.

Be there. Or we will talk about you.

It's inconceivable you know me and don't read TNB, but if you're a cave-dweller or coma patient:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/

From the New York Times: the latest breakthrough in CFIDS etiology

Last week made 19 years since I became ill.

Thrilled that a treatment might loom.

Hugely vindicating that the more is learned about CFIDS, the more science corroborates what those of us who have it and our loved ones know: it's pernicious, frequently degenerative and, obviously, real.

From the New York Times, August 23, 2010:

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/08/24/health/research/24fatigue.html?_r=1&adxnnl=1&adxnnlx=1282603206-1mxCW1XFO8Zd3SCUHl0v6w

Bunnies: the gay marriage of pets

Today marks ten days since I brought Thomas home. I love the little guy immensely and am incredibly touched by everyone's well wishes and offers to answer questions as they arise.

Bemused, however, by how many act as though I now have a "real" pet when, of course, that's exactly what I had for the previous twelve years. Contrary to common perception, rabbits are highly intelligent and interactive. Do they interact differently than dogs and cats? Sure, in some ways. But that's largely because rabbits are prey animals, so they're reluctant to open up, as it were, until they know you. After that, they're perpetually demonstrative.

So it's a little goofy how many times I've had to explain this in the past week and a half. But I'm in good company with other rabbit owners Amy Sedaris, Hilary Swank, Clint Eastwood and Robert Kennedy.

Wanda Sykes weighs in on Tiger Woods' divorce:

Every once in awhile I encounter someone who doesn't find Wanda Sykes prescient and hilarious and I know this person should be avoided forevermore.

Full moon lunacy:

Spent a delightful two hours in the park today, mostly. I'm unsure if the police have done a sweep of the U District or Belltown and the junkies and meth-heads migrated up here in larger numbers than usual, if the full moon last night lanced everyone's craziness or if it coincidence, but poor Thomas couldn't quite relax at said park because two meth-heads, apropos of nothing, started screaming racial epithets then yelling, "Bob Dylan is coming! Bob Dylan is coming!"; a man whose schizophrenia, tragically, manifested itself with shouting at a nearby kitten and pretending to masturbate wouldn't stop blaring inanities and a crazy old Greek lady (total coincidence) thought Thomas was adorable and despite my kind but firm rebuttals, wouldn't leave us alone. Interspersed with all of this was a delightful breeze and many kind dog owners who popped over to say, "Hi." Thomas and I drank some water together in the shade and he enjoyed exploring the grass.

So there were pockets of wonderfulness. But in marked contrast to yesterday, when everyone we encountered was friendly and enchanted and, more importantly, not yelling of one's genitals, today's experience was tiring. Came home and we napped together, which turned into full-blown zonking out, which led to awaking at 3:00 a.m. Now we're winding down again for real. But I hope tomorrow's outing presents fewer people whose neurochemistry is betraying them and more happy solitude and/or folks who are normalsauce.

We can dream, can't we?

Thomas:

Occasionally, life works as it should.

On Thursday, I brought home a puppy. For the past year and a half, I'd been saving for one. I knew that when the last of the bunnies died, I'd grieve and save and a year or so after, I'd get a small dog. Of course, I didn't anticipate what happened in October and the horror of adjusting to it.

The puppy is a five and a half month-old blue Pomeranian and, as I've written elsewhere, he's smarter than most drummers and sweeter than cupcakes. The morning I picked him up, I was running pre-puppy errands and accidentally dropped my wallet, laden with cash, my ATM card and credit cards. A stranger named Sarah found it, turned it in and refused the $100 reward I insisted upon. She could have ruined me. Instead, she made a meaningful day that much more so.

She found my wallet on Thomas Street. So I named the puppy "Thomas" in honor of kindness, small miracles and fresh starts.

Bunnies. Now more than ever:

Yeah, I know: baby Holland Lops on the Internet.

But if you're having a week like mine wherein you've considered severing your femoral artery and/or viewing Dane Cook's stand-up, watching bunnies frolic ranks as a sentient choice.

Today is Charles Bukowski's birthday:

I've been celebrating by writing all day. And, of course, by getting blind drunk and nailing a once-beautiful woman with a now slightly large ass while the neighbors wail and break things.

And I offer my McSweeney's piece from 2004, "If Charles Bukowski Had Written Children's Books":

http://www.mcsweeneys.net/links/lists/bukowski.html

The Whore Who Snored

Why is Grandpa Heaving?

The Years Will Fly Like Hummingbirds and One Gray Day You'll Die

Love Turns to Crap Like a Sandwich

The Alley Cat and the Wounded Dog Share Scraps of Bird and Dung

Uncle Hank's Sack of Empties

Wishbones Come from Chicken, Harlots Come from Hell

The Park Bench Where You Eat Your Lunch Will Be Your Bed Someday

Give Up Now


And, also, a laudatory and wry feature Roger Ebert wrote on Bukowski last year and posted again today on Twitter:

http://blogs.suntimes.com/ebert/pages-for-twitter/remembering-bukowski.html

Rest in peace, old man.

"Men can counsel...

...and speak comfort to that grief which they themselves not feel."--Shakespeare, Much Ado About Nothing

"Bereavement is a darkness impenetrable to the imagination of the unbereaved."--Iris Murdoch

If I take up meditation and choose...

...Bill Murray's line from Groundhog Day, "Morons, your bus is leaving" as my mantra, will it defeat the point?

In varying degrees, about New York:

1) Ephemeral New York ponders the lesser-known glories and horrors of New York. Richly curated; one of my favorites:

http://ephemeralnewyork.wordpress.com/

2) I don't want a mosque at Ground Zero for the same reason I don't want a church or temple at Ground Zero: religion, along with poverty and illiteracy, fuels most wars and is a huge element of this one. Honor the 9/11 dead and their loved ones but keep the locale secular.

And for the record, I believe in an omniscient deity. But I don't think he/she/it/what-have-you thinks treating our existence like a team-choosing playground soccer match is a swell plan.

I've been writing the past few days straight...

...and because I had to scan photos for an upcoming feature, I went on a scanning bender.

While it's been a creatively invigorating summer, the rest of it, for reasons obvious and less so, has been difficult. Really enjoy that I'm writing the most I have in three years and it's been good to rendezvous with friends. The flip side is that the constant writing and deadlines aren't improving my health and the person I most want to spend time with, I can't.

So it was good to delve into pictures of better times and remember that they do come 'round again.

My condensed take on the week's news before I meet two dear friends for coffee:

• I've said this before, but unless gays stir plutonium into the mix, there's no way they're going to fuck up marriage as much as straights have. (Though, presumably, GLAAD isn't going to adopt this as a talking point.) Incredibly happy Proposition #8 was ruled unconstitutional. As for the yammering about judicial activism, as my mom (a retired attorney) put it yesterday, history has demonstrated repeatedly that the majority gets it wrong, i.e. with segregation, for example. That's why we have high courts.

• Not to get all basket-weaving, but if you remember being a little girl and hating that almost everyone in power was a white Protestant dude, Elena Kagan's confirmation resonates that much more so. Congrats to the five GOP senators who voted to confirm her and Senator Nelson, Democrat, from Nebraska, I get that you stuck to your convictions when you voted against Kagan. Your convictions, however, are inherently sexist.
  

Interviewing Mom and Dad today...

...for an upcoming piece.

Easy part? We're super-close.

Downside? If I fuck this up, I'll never hear the end of it.

My new essay, "The Mirror Maze", is at...

...The Nervous Breakdown now:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/ldremousis/2010/08/the-mirror-maze/

Things are both more and less real tonight.

Again with the yin and the yang:

We celebrated Dad's 77th birthday and Mom and Dad's 46th anniversary (which was recently) in one big joyful amalgam yesterday and there was much banter and sumptuous food and it was a splendid, rejuvenating afternoon. (And my brother, who is reflexively hilarious, made one of his funniest comments maybe ever, but I'm not going to repeat it here. Also, he told me something deeply sweet, but that remains private, too.)

Today I can barely walk, which is hardly unprecedented, nor a big deal in the scheme of things. But in the last few hours I've read there were three more robberies at gunpoint near here, that my beloved Steve's Broadway News (a longtime Seattle lynch-pin) has closed, and that due to lack of funds, one of the city's largest shelter networks is broke and that 400 more homeless persons will have nowhere to go by the end of this week. All of which, in varying degrees, is horrifying.

A day in which an iced decaf americano and writing will have to do the trick.

On my way home:

Certain things are returning to normal.

Dropped by the Seattle Weekly offices late yesterday afternoon to turn in the updated freelancer contract. I'm completing my newest essay for The Nervous Breakdown right now and I received another assignment from Nerve that's due soon and all of this pleases me tremendously. I've always derived great joy from my work and know how lucky I am to say it and mean it.

Feel disoriented and dislocated most of the time, though, and it's compounded by those who want this to be something it's not. And, of course, by the fact I don't leave the house unless I'm properly dressed and when I'm out with others I say reasonably funny things and present an approximation of a person who doesn't know irrefutably that part of her is dead, too.

But the writing is going very well and, as I said, I really can't emphasize how grateful I am. The rest will follow eventually, I know.

From top to bottom:

After I left the Seattle Weekly offices and started heading northeast, I saw this poor creature on 1st Ave. and Pike in front of Pike Place Market. As Seattleites know but others might not, this is one of the city's most populated intersections, with constant, dense traffic and ceaseless pedestrians. The horse seemed weary and crushed. I loathe these companies: animals shouldn't be ridden on city streets.

Free skates offered on Harrison in between Belmont and Summit. Bemused by the sign's text message spelling ("sk8s").

A few yards further down the hill on Harrison, an absolutely stunning flower. One of my guy friends once teased me the reason he loves me is, "You're not one of those girls who knows all the names of plants and makes a big deal out of it." Which is true, though in this case I wish it weren't. A gorgeous creation simply springing from the ground.

Oh, Twitter:

It's not yet 10:00 a.m. PST and I've been recommended by two colleagues and excoriated by a racist porn actress.

Doing my job right, I suppose.

The latest on the XMRV retrovirus...

...and its potential danger to the blood supply.

From the Wall Street Journal, July 26th:

http://blogs.wsj.com/health/2010/07/26/fda-advisory-committee-to-hear-about-xmrv-working-groups-research/

Break out the Doc Martens! My new Seattle Weekly piece on the book Grunge Seattle...

...and the author event tonight at Moe Bar is up now. This one's online only:

http://blogs.seattleweekly.com/reverb/2010/07/book_signing_with_justin_hende.php

I'm unsure why Oliver Stone aligns himself...

...with the left because if the hateful things he spewed came from the right, he'd be apoplectic. Under the auspices of presenting history from an internationalist point of view, which is honorable, he attacks Jews, which is deplorable. Stone proves it's possible to be a well-read idiot:

http://www.thewrap.com/movies/column-post/oliver-stone-jews-dominate-media-19557?page=0,0

Getting drunk off dessert:

My new post for KOMO 4's Capitol Hill blog:

http://capitolhill.komonews.com/content/starbucks-olive-summit-soon-booze

One of the galleries nearby frequently hosts live music...

...(despite the fact they're not zoned for it, but okay, fine) and in the summer, when all our windows are open, it sounds like the stage is in my living room.

In a city that has launched so many great and good musicians, I keep hoping I'm going to hear an incipient Death Cab or Blue Scholars or Visqueen.

So far? A sonic approximation of dogs fucking cats, only not so interesting.

You think it can't get worse re BP but it does:

They had disabled the rig's alarm system a year before the explosion.

From today's Washington Post:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/content/article/2010/07/23/AR2010072302515.html

Two things I've heard repeatedly in the past nine and a half months that are completely fucking true:

1) There is a shared language and sensibility among those who have been through it, a shorthand, and it helps sustain you.

As I've written of before, TJ's was the 30th funeral I'd been to. (I have a large family and social circle and it stands to reason the more loved ones you have, the more you will lose. Also, because I learned from my mom how to respond in crisis, over the years others have asked me to accompany them to their loved ones' funerals and, of course, I did.)

I was familiar with grief and loss but had never experienced anything remotely as powerful or catastrophic as TJ's death, including the loss of my health when I was 24. Just as my life is organically divided before and after CFIDS, so it is with his death, only a million times more so.

And as I've written of dozens of times, I've been incredibly fortunate and moved by loved ones, colleagues, acquaintances and near-strangers who have reached out to me. I'm tenacious by nature, but there have been days I've thought the force and near-ceaselessness of the pain would break me. And it's then someone who has lived through it (and with it, as it takes different form in time but never goes away) says, as if on cue, "One day his death won't be the first thing you think of ten seconds after you wake up" or "It's the little things that'll catch you off-guard, like seeing his favorite foods in the grocery store" or "At this stage you feel like you're not going to get through it, but you will" or one my favorites, sent by a dear friend in all caps, "FUCK ANYONE WHO EXPECTS YOU TO GRIEVE ON THEIR SCHEDULE" and I feel loved and less alone and understood and, perversely, lucky. Lucky to have such insightful people in my life.

2) Within hours of receiving confirmation of TJ's death from the Chelan County Sherriff's Office, both my brother and one of my best friends, Tim, each of whom have been incredibly kind and empathetic--unfortunately, they'd each experienced horrific loss--warned me there are individuals who barely knew the dead but this won't stop them from seeking attention for knowing the dead, even if the connection was tangential, because they are strange and sad and they think this is the only thing for which they might receive attention and they will revel in it.

My brother and Tim were right.

What it means to have CFIDS:

At my high school reunion on Saturday evening, I stood for five hours. I used the cane (I've been back on it since April) and drank plenty of water and moved around in the course of the event, obviously, and had eaten lean turkey and veggies before my friend picked me up. When you look at the photos, I don't look sick and, indeed I received several compliments that night. (I only mention it as it relates here.)

It's now 3:10 on Wednesday afternoon and I've been able to leave my home for an hour and forty-five minutes total since my friend dropped me off later Saturday night: Sunday I made it across the street to pick up dinner and an iced decaf americano, returned and ate in bed; Monday I ran errands on Broadway and in 45 minutes, the symptoms hit so severely I barely made it to my last stop--oh, irony of ironies--at the health food store to pick up more high-grade multi-vitamins; yesterday the pain completely immobilized me--and if you know me, you know I have a very high tolerance for pain--and I could barely sit up, much less get dressed and leave here. I'm clothed now and about to depart to the south part of the neighborhood on an errand. I'll need the crutches to get there.

Like all of us, I have issues. Discipline is rarely a tripwire, though. During the aforementioned block of time, I've read the book I'm reviewing for the Seattle Weekly, nearly finished said (admittedly short) feature and completed half of my latest essay for The Nervous Breakdown. I sent off a new list of pitch ideas to Esquire.com, returned emails, cooked meals and unloaded the dishwasher. Next month makes 19 years since I became ill and I've been vastly sicker than this. And again, if you know me, you know I have perspective: a close friend's sister has brain cancer for fuck's sake and I just read another piece about the seemingly endless war in Congo--a mother saw all three of her sons die in front of her--and I only have to look at the schizophrenic man who lodges himself at the outdoor tables at Top Pot during the summer to know the boundless ways in which I'm lucky.

My health just isn't one of them.

The Senate Judiciary Committee just voted to...

...confirm Elena Kagan, 13-6.

Scalia and Thomas fear Kagan, Sotomayor and Ginsburg will make abortion free then pop out to buy shoes and frozen yogurt.

My new essay on Seattle's lit scene is up now at The Nervous Breakdown:

Part of our editor Brad Listi's series, "The View from the West", which explores West Coast literary culture. Brad's essay precedes mine, as does one from Anne Walls. Enjoyed each of theirs tremendously and am flattered to be included:

http://www.thenervousbreakdown.com/blisti/2010/07/the-view-from-the-west-vol-4/