1) I don't like yoga.
2) I have a subscription to US Magazine.
3) My brother and my two first cousins all married virgins, making me--by default--the family whore.
4) One of my exes married a woman whose IQ rivals that of the average cobb salad.
5) I made up two words this week, "awesomeosity" and "dicklicker":
"I got accepted into McSweeney's! *Awesomeosity!*"
"Nice lane change, *dicklicker!*"
6) When I see people wearing fleece pullovers and Tevas, I sometimes want to kick them.
7) Other times, I want to trip them.
8) I'm always thinking of you, New York.
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