Essential truths:

• Each statement uttered by John McCain or his campaign staff during the past week has made the Arizona senator sound like a complete ass
• Andre Benjamin's smile could illuminate the darkest cave and should be studied as a possible alternative fuel source
• Avocado slices and soy cream cheese on a whole wheat bagel smacks of leftovers from a Joni Mitchell sack lunch circa 1973 but is actually quite delicious
• Writers should adopt David Bazan's "Fewer Broken Pieces" as our anthem
  
• I get to legally kill the guy who revs his un-muffled Harley every night outside my bedroom window
• Same for the designer on "Project Runway" tonight who'd never heard of Sgt. Pepper
• Also, everyone who asks, "How many more pages do you have left to go?"
• Chuck Klosterman is brilliant and should not be imitated
  
• No one with a functioning cerebellum cares what Pitchfork thinks
  
• Patton Oswalt and Wanda Sykes will cure what ails you
• The Deluxe's turkey cobb salad suggests God might like us after all
• My bunnies are cuter than your kids