For Oscar, with love always.

Fifty Questions for God

1. Hey, do you have a second?
2. Why do some people have everything while others have nothing?
3. Will there always be war?
4. Why is there disease?
5. Mental illness?
6. Evil?
7. Why are there birth defects?
8. Why do bad things happen to good people?
9. All the time?
10. Are there ghosts?
11. Is there a heaven?
12. Is there a hell?
13. Would the world be a better or worse place if we spoke a universal language?
14. Had a universal faith?
15. Do you choose sides?
16. Ever?
17. How do stoplights work?
18. How do ships float? (The water displacement theory seems kind of sketchy.)
19. How many types of flowers are there?
20. Which is your favorite?
21. How many kinds of dinosaurs were there?
22. Will they ever make a comeback?
23. Evolution: True or false?
24. Is there life on Mars?
25. Anywhere in the universe besides earth?
26. Does it bug you when people refer to "the universe" (i.e. "The universe knew I was sad and sent a baby squirrel to my window") when they actually mean "a god of sorts" but don't want to sound uncool in front of their friends?
27. Do you send baby squirrels to people's windows, or do you have other things to do?
28. If scientists were lying about neurons, protons, and electrons, how would the rest of us know?
29. Can you ever tell your friend you don't like their fiancée without it backfiring?
30. Is it okay to break up with someone because they're obsessed with curry?
31. Because they told your mom she makes an inefficient use of space in her refrigerator?
32. Because they wear climbing sandals on flat land?
33. Because they quote Andre Gide just to sound smart?
34. Once and for all: Do animals have souls?
35. If heaven exists, will I see my pets there? (That would be nice.)
36. How about rats and the thing that crawls around under the deck? (That would be creepy.)
37. Are you a man?
38. Are you a woman?
39. Both, but not in the personal ad kind of way?
40. The guy from the deli wants to know: Are you a doughnut?
41. Also: Can he drink himself sober?
42. Why do some people have children they don't want?
43. How can anyone hurt a child?
44. Does each new filmmaker have to cite Truffaut as an influence?
45. Auto-erotic asphyxiation: Greed or stupidity?
46. Is anyone more bitter than a drama professor without tenure?
47. An editor without health insurance?
48. Some years, could winter be optional?
49. How about gravity?
50. Birds fly over the rainbow: Why can't I?