Tuesday, October 07, 2008

And if the markets are like this next year, the ground will expel Mitt Romney's hair follicles and scores of two-headed earthworms:

The protracted economic catastrophe keeps reminding me of Patton Oswalt's routine, "The Apocalypse" from his first disc, Feelin' Kinda Patton:

The apocalypse is coming. That's the one thing I like about George Bush. I really think he can get us into the fuckin' apocalypse. Like the Biblical--I really think he believes that he will be the guy in the white hat. I think he's read that Stephen King novel The Stand a couple times, you know? And he really thinks there's a dark man in the desert somewhere and he's going to fight him or something like that.

And here's the thing. If the apocalypse happens, it doesn't have to be all bad. Here's how you can make it work for you, all right, when the apocalypse happens. And you'll know when it's happening 'cause, zombies. But here's the thing, if the apocalypse happens, then that means I'm wrong and there is a God and there is an afterlife.

But here's the good news, in the afterlife, like in heaven, you'll be in the fucking V.I.P. section of eternity. Because everyone else up there will be like, "Hey, man! How'd you die?" And you're like, "Fuckin' bus accident. How 'bout you?, man?" And they're like, "Fire ants. How'd you die, man?" "How'd I die? In the fuckin' apocalypse! Oh my God, it was awesome! I'm in the velvet rope section of eternity. You should have fuckin' been there, man. The fucking volcanoes came out of the ground and they spewed menstrual blood into the sky, and then it formed into Avril Lavigne's face, and she recited the The
Good Will Hunting screenplay and the words turned into razors and they bored into your flesh and George Bush was president and mediocrity held sway! It was amazing! Oh, my God! I'm in the V.I.P. section! Where're my Poccies at? Where're my other Poccies at? High five, Poccies!"

I really want the apocalypse to happen. Honestly, don't you?

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